TMI #A: I'm fat.
For the majority of my life I've been fat. Not much to care about as a kid, if they don't make fun of you for at least something then you never had a childhood. Later as I grew up there was nothing I could do about it so I just dealt with it.
Then I discovered Atkins. I did it for like 6 months, did ok. I was motivated because my parents had bet me money I wouldn't, and would pay up $5 for each pound I lost. After the first 15 pounds they just stopped paying it, motivation gone, and gained it all back and then some. It was in '97, before there were low-carb everything on the shelves, from low-carb drinks to low-carb cures for polio. Later in life, someone made a promise to me. Something that set off a little flame in my mind. Money for weight loss is fine if one doesn't have a job, but she promised something more. I became motivated with a promise of sex. The promise itself came out of nowhere, I didn't expect, anticipate, or anything. I was kind of shocked and, at the time, I figured it was just for motivation and not really with the intent to deliver on anything (there was a stipulation in it that was also required to happen first).
It was somewhat later when she brought up the promise again and I figured it was real. At that point that motivation combined with myself to form a kind of hybrid motivation. I wanted to do it for me, too. So I did. I was looking pretty good if you ask me. Yeah, yeah, you didn't ask me, but I don't care. I had a new girlfriend at that time so everything was going well. She wanted me and thought I was sexy and all that rosy stuff. Eventually we broke up (quite a lead in, right?). And later, even though I was still pretty much in shape, the stipulation required didn't happen. Eventually I figured that promise is null-and-void. I wasn't told it was, I just figured it was due to falling out. But that's ok, right? Sure. I had a job (D), was going to be on my own soon (C), and I was looking my best.
Problem is that the last point on its own wasn't enough. Link A-B
My diet is expensive, though. Without income I'll have to give it up. Donuts are like a dozen for $2.50 at the nearby bakery outlet store. A typical high protien low carb meal that satisfies my hunger goes for $5.00+. My latest grocery bill was $120. Link A-D
TMI #B: I'm lonely.
Growing up there were lots of people I fancied. I didn't really, I just was somewhat familiar with them and found things to like. Familiarity breeds love, I'm convinced of that. Whenever someone I liked didn't return the favor, I felt down. But it was manageable because, as told,
"There are plenty of fish in the sea."
"Huh? I'm not hungry."
"No, it's a metaphor."
"What is?"
"Fish are supposed to represent girls."
"There are girls in the sea?"
"No, I mean, well, possibly, but, you're missing the point."
But it was real because I was in school. Surrounded by potentials, if you will. They had to be there, as I did. As history would tell, they didn't want me, but that's ok because, I don't know, something to do wish pointy girl fish.
Nowadays, nobody is forced to be around me. Things are clearly lonlier. It's hard to breed familiarity. Plus my age group hurtles towards the free-for-all that normally would have existed. Good strong steady relationships. Of the females I know, every single one (without exception) is unavailable in some form. And if that weren't bad enough, in my opinion derived through observation and evaluation, not one would be interested in me anyway. I gained some weight back, and I look like a monster. Link B-A. All this just leaves me with an empty feeling. I don't even have the cute and fuzzy crush-like symptoms to enjoy.
Fact of the matter is that even though the man is supposed to be the aggressor, it isn't he who decides how things turn out. To quote the words of great philosopher (*cough* *cough* LL Cool J): A man doesn't choose a woman, a woman chooses a man. I feel like a Psyduck or some other similarly useless Pokemon.
Not that it matters anyway. I wouldn't be able to go on nice dates or do nice things because I don't have a job. Link B-D. Nor would we have a place to go for fun. Link B-C.
TMI #C: I fit the slacker role too well.
I dreamed of having my hip batchelor pad. I wanted all anodized aluminum plates and cups (non-stick and very very tough and durable, plus they'd look k-rad). I dreamed of using 100% reflective lighting everywhere. I would have a "gutter" of sorts that would run along the inside perimeter of the domicile and run red, green, and blue coated fluorescent bulbs all along it in triplets. I would have fluorescent ballasts with dimmers to control the levels. The idea would be to make any room any color at any time. I dreamed of hidden speakers everywhere and screens in the walls (before the days of flat-panel displays, the idea was to tunnel in the walls and create a few shafts of ductwork to prevent them from overheating. More recently, I solved the idea of what those displays would have when I thought of a central server running a private high-bandwidth shoutcast server sending video of undulating psychadelic real-time rendered imagry, with a media server being able to selectively hijack each stream with actual video when needed. All this is nice, but not only can I not afford to do this, Link C-D, but I wouldn't have anyone important to impress with this. Link C-B.
TMI #D: No job for the first time in a long time.
I've been working now for a long time. Nearly 6 solid years of working for a living. To put an end to that suddenly is a big blow. And not the good kind. All of a sudden I feel useless. Sure there are a lot of projects I work on because now I certainly have the time. But I feel guilty for having time. I shouldn't have it. I have the freedom I enjoy, but nothing to back it up. I'm consuming and producing nothing to sustain it.
I've still got bills and things to pay, so I can't just live off my interest. I don't own my car yet, I'm in a cell phone contract, I'm paying off a computer, I'm dumping money into insurance. Clearly not sustainable. And, yes, I have a need to eat. Link D-A.
Wah wah, as Artie would say.
