My Crappy Phone

Dear Samsung:

You guys are pretty k-rad most of the time. My parents hate their new DLP bigscreen but that's because they are plebians that don't know quality when they see it. (I like it and that's all that matters, although I don't watch TV much at all, so I guess it sort of balances out.) I also like your LCD displays very much (although I will never use one until the access time is under ISO 3ms, since you guys all lie about access times and certain color-to-color shifts can take as much as 3 times your claimed delay. Ok, so maybe I don't like your LCD displays very much). Oh, and your Progressive-Scan 5-disc DVD player + 600 Watt 5.1 Dolby Surround Sound Home-Theater-In-A-Box is the easiest I've ever seen to set up and has neat features like flash memory to store custom backgrounds for the menus. (Although the menu doesn't offer much else in calibration, and your included antennae for the AM/FM stereo leaves MUCH to be desired.)

One thing I've got is a cell phone. I'll admit I got it because it was cheap. $30 after signing a two year agreement with Sprint, getting an out-of-state phone number, promising to paint your fence if I cancel early, getting upcharged for "rustproofing", left a deposit of sperm in lieu of a first born son, and bent over and grabbed my ankles (the least they could have done is a reach-around. It's only polite).

Now it's cool and all. I am rather upset that you guys intentionally disabled the functionality of the datacable. I can't synchronize contacts with a computer nor can I upload cool wallpapers and music into the phone and instead have to email them to myself and pay something like $9.95 per half kilobyte or something as rediculous (ok ok, so I exaggerate a little). I mean the cable is there! I can use your phone as a modem so the communication works! Why don't you just stop being jerks and flip the switch to "Not Evil"?

Anyway, that's not the point. My question is why you feel it is necessary to make my phone ring every 30 seconds when there isn't a call on the other end of the line? That was funny for the first hour but then just became embarassing. Now, you could say that you warned me, but fixing it so that I could hear the phone ring but cannot open it up and hear anything anyone has to say unless I use a headset is hardly a warning.

Now, I'm an honorable guy. I hardly ever steal from the collection bin unless desperately need to get the latest Lords of Acid CD. I always leave 100% real pennies in the take-a-penny-leave-a-penny at the 7-11 (they're Canadian, but it's still 100% real). And it's been 4, maybe 5 hours since I've poisoned anyone. And I only sell ground pencil shavings as pot not to make money, but only to teach others a lesson about not doing drugs (although it IS really funny). And the only reason I'm doing hits for the mob is because they've got some rather compromising pictures of myself, several woodland creatures, and a single season's harvest of corn that I'd rather not discuss right now. I'm just not used to your deceptive business practices.

Please fix my phone. Thank you.

P.S. I'm far too excited about writing for NPC. I swear I have never done any of those evil things up there.