Deli-sauce and Mira-cola

"Gosh you're an upbeat lady!"

I keep having great nights out with this girlie, folks. We mix really well, it seems. Nice mix of serious and jokey, sweet and sour, naughty and nice. Hence the quote from Groundhog Day. I want to relive these things over and over.

There isn't anything much I can add given my expectations. They were exceeded. Pleasantly surprised. The tragedy? Well, the tragedy has a gun. But it's only a 22. It might take two or three to take down this bull elephant. Er, cat. Whichever is less easy to shoot. One can take a few shots, but the other has better agility.

BUT I dig her. Yep. Gotta say I do. I'm glad I can just follow my gut. *

(* I mispelled that originally to read "follow my hut." Don't know, that sounds funny. )

Speaking of which, I must restart singles DDR. I've been on exclusive doubles and while it's fun, it's an expensive way of trying to get back in shape. I'll get back to where I was, then reenter doubles and show them all how it be done. In the hizzouse, and shiznit.

So Nice Date #2 was delicious. The proof? The movie we watched, Amityville, which, contrary to popular belief is NOT about a toaster. It was such a basic movie, very predictable. WAY too much foreshadowing. BUT I loved it. I always wondered how crappy movies get good reviews, and the answer is simple: they all had good dates.

In randomness, I'd like to share that if I made a sauce that was delicious on everything, it would be called Deli-sauce. In honor of Earthbound.

On the other side of the news, I'm blogging from my notebook because my main baby is sick. The hard drive is starting to cough and hack every so often. The temperatures are still climbing. This time I opened it up and... I'm bulging!

Bulging Capacitors are a sign of imminent motherboard failure. The electrolyte breaks down and starts emitting hydrogen. The canister swells under pressure, and, eventually, will pop. Heat hurries this along, and, as I've mentioned before, my system runs hotter than I am comfortable with. When the capacitor pops, it oozes the now caustic and acidic electrolyte all over the place, causing massive damage inside the system onto anything within close proximity.

I'm good enough to do a mod chip, but not good enough to trust my skills to replacing a cap. It's a through hole thing, so it'd be easy enough. But I wouldn't want to be bothered by removing all parts from my computer to do it. I'd be tempted to do it without, and bad things are sure to happen.

All I can do now is disable the spread spectrum as much as possible, and hold out. Backup of hard drive is proceeding as we speak. I got a 200 GB hard drive, but I can't use it because my motherboard IDE controller doesn't see anything bigger than 137 MB. I forsaw this issue and grabbed a new controller card. Which works, except that my MB BIOS refuses to work properly and boot off that controller. Last BIOS update? 2002. Fuck you, Epox.

Then again, I've got old components in my current workhorse. I need to start thinking about phasing it out. Thing is, a lot of standards are just plain gone. Socket A hasn't been used in years, nor has SDRAM. IDE is on it's way out, although so far it's been playing nicely with SATA as far as I know. AGP has just met its opponent, PCI-E, so... whatever.

This won't be a nice subtle upgrade, but rather a big overhaul. And since all the tech is new and stuff, I may actually have to run Windows XP on a new machine. Ulg. Win2K hasn't gotten any updates in a while, and it's only supported by the luck of having XP being a sister OS.

Oh well. I'll have to consider it. So far I'm pleased at recent things entering my life, and I know pleasing things will happen with my computer, too.

:3

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Chansu

When you're wary of me, yet you'll give me a chance, that says something.

Destiny is kind of funny. It'll put people together despite their best efforts if it thinks it should. I'm not implying it is right or wrong, just that it is what it is.

I'm running a risk. If I like Diana more than she likes me, be it more than she does, will, wants to, and/or would, then I can wind up... well, wound up.

Call me crazy, ("You're crazy!") but I'm going to chance it myself.

Make fun of me all you want. Think to yourself "what an idiot."

But consider this: I'm after a soulmate. I'm after love and the feeling of being loved. That sits under my "girl motivation". It's why I tend to like friend-girls and want to make them my girlfriends instead of just hitting on the nearest available chick. Because if you're already friends, there's a rapport. There's a level of trust there. There's a pre-existing clause of honesty. I've got trust issues, too... and in that case I've abandoned them.

The question, then, becomes: What kind of idiot would see a potential destiny and choose to ignore it because he's afraid?

Somehow, that's still me.

I'm looking to garner courage. Courage to ignore the fear and plow through. And it's not like I'm a bad guy, either. I'll be good for her. So, I opened a box marked "do not open until March 2013" and found some courage and I'm gonna be me. I hope that box wasn't important. Hmm... who is Pandora, anyway?

Heh, look at me trying to justify how I've got a date with Diana tonight. Well I do. And I'm glad. I'm glad she's going to give me a chance to show myself.

Decisions

The current decision I'm mulling over is work. Here's currently how it works:

I am a programmer for company A. I am paid a salary that is much less than usual, but I felt it was a concession to actually get work without much experience. I know theory, dude, I'm all over it. But the question comes up "So, what have you done?" and I'm all... WHATEVER! 'COZ THIS IS MY UNITED STATES OF WHATEVER!

*ahem*

Anyway, company A is hired by company B for a very large programming project. Company A bills out by day. They charge about 4 - 5 times what I make a day. I'm not sure the exact number. They try very hard to keep that sort of thing a secret from me. Company B is reluctant, but company A offers to put the programmer On-Site so that there are no discrepancies.

Temporary bonus: I don't have to drive 2 hours each way to work while this project is going on.

Now, company B realizes that this is expensive. They've got big, ambitious plans. They realize paying what company A is charging is a little much. They will try to steal employee of company A, and pay less than what they currently pay. I happen to know for a fact that being offerred a job with company B is a matter of days away.

The punchline? Less than 4-5 times what I make in a day... why, 2 times fits nicely. And it's closer to what programmers are supposed to get anyway.

Wow. I could definitely do well with that. The trick is how much I should ask for. They have no idea what company A is paying me, other than they know it's less than what's being charged. But as far as the numbers? No idea. Knowledge is power, and they don't have my power.

Now, too much and they might shrink away from hiring me permanently for the future projects, and just will let me finish this project and then I get the boot. AKA: killing the goose that lays the golden eggs. Too little, and I'll still be exploited, and it'll be much worse.

These cats are much more strict with hours and dress code and all that stuff. The atmosphere is much less laid back. I will need a few suits, ties, shirts, belts, shoes, and so on. And then there's the work. At least with the web development there's always the mystery of what's next. I get to be more creative than I would be at company B, where my destiny rests with banking and financial software. Snooze.

Although money can rent a lot of excitement.

I really don't know. I've got something in mind for how much to ask. Just like in working again for Company A and asking for more money before coming back to the folks that let me go with 0 days notice, I'll bluff and who knows, maybe they'll call it.

Decisions decisions.

Your Linguistic Profile:

55% General American English

25% Yankee

15% Dixie

0% Midwestern

0% Upper Midwestern

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

Resistability

Sometimes, I can be rather transparent. I don't like it because I'm easy to read, but I do like it sometimes because one can assume things and they'd be true.

Last night I had a good time. One thing I like about hanging out with someone, and just someone, is that some of the transparence starts to rub off onto the other person and you start to see their inner workings. And Diana's inner workings are pleasant.

One of the interesting points is that everyone I told that we were going to hang out this weekend told me the same thing: "Be Careful." It was kind of strange. But I'm pleased to say I have not been killed or damaged in any way. In fact, I think even if there was some kind of danger involved, (can't imagine what), My shirt smells a little like lavender (very slightly), but that just plain rocks. I don't know what people told her, or even if she told anyone. Curiosity. I'll have to ask.

Speaking of which, I'm having trouble determining the material that shirt is made of. This has become very important to me because it's just soft and cuddly and is the PENULTIMATE fabric.

Magic-wise? She's a lot stronger than I remember. I'm more dedicated than ever to figuring out how to get Magic Online working on my machine... not to play, but because Wizards dropped support for the fap-tastic Interactive Encyclopedia 3 years ago. MO has a database feature. And I've got a couple thousand cards that I don't feel like wading through to build a killer deck. The database I had in MIE died with my last hard drive crash almost that long ago. It would take a couple of 8 hour stretch sit-a-thons in order to reinput my cards... not counting the newer cards I own that are not part of MIE. So rather than do it twice, I'd rather dump into MO. Too bad I can't playtest in MO like I could MIE.

Anime? I had some good stuff with me. And I love (just love) the fact that she selected the hentai disc I accidentally brought with me instead of Risky Safety (yeah, I get the two mixed up all the time).

Alcohol? They didn't even card her. Chalk this one up to high-concept / low-execution. We didn't go nuts, though. As a driver I had to take it easy, and I was expecting more things to be open at midnight but instead we settled on a somewhat mediocre convenience store 10 proof soda. I had some surplus from Jacon, but it wasn't much. No I did NOT get her hammered. Not my style, mister.

When you get right down to it, though, I'm glad I know her. And even though she was my captive, I think she liked hangin' with me, too. Look at me, getting close to people and shit. Who would have thought this then-self-proclaimed-misanthrope of 8 years ago would amount to that.

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Autoweak

Last year around this time I went to a little shindig called "Mazda Rev It Up." I love Mazda, I really do. It's a damn shame that as of the 2004 model year, to my limited knowledge, none of the cars they sell here in the states are actually made in Japan. I had lots of fun in it. I plan to attend this year again.

The funniest moment of the event last year was when we were in a tent and the speaker said "and, with your paid admission, you get a FREE year of Autoweek." And there were groans coming from the audience. Heh heh. This household gets two copies of Autoweek per week, one for me, one for my brother. That particular magazine? I consider it a DTG subscription release: Direct To Garbage.

Anyway, my little car is one tight bitch, let me tell you. I love her. I love the way she accellerates and brakes and turns and signals. I love the wipers and the radio and the nooks and crannies. I... don't so much like cleaning her, though. I used to be hard core with it but now I'm just lazy about it. She don't shine like she used to.

Mostly it's because of the arms race required to keep her clean. The inside windows are just evil and I can never clean them without streaking. Well, no, not true, I was able to do it with about half a bottle of Windex and a beach towel and about an hour. Then there's dust. No matter how well I vacuum there's always dust that finds its way. Plus it gets dirty all the time since it's parked out on the street instead of a nice fansy-pants garage, or, car-hole.

I drove a car before her, but it wasn't really mine. I didn't buy it, I didn't make payments on it. My father owned it and abused it. It was a big wide heavy 1989 Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme coupe, 6-cyl with an all digital display. It ran without transmission fluid for about a year, too. Drake, his name was. He got to about 120K miles before he just gave up and the tranny started dying. I spent about $200 a repair once every three months, and I just couldn't keep up with it.

My current car, 2002 Mazda Protege: Green Bean Machine, is my baby. So I don't abuse it. I keep it in wonderful mechanical order, actually. And I know more about that car than Drake. Of course, downloading the service manual and printing it at work (about 1200 pages over the course of two months) helped. But I've successfully changed oil + filter, rotated tires, changed wiper blades, and replaced air filters. No big whoop? Well, I've ALSO done my own brake job, changed the transmission fluid and it's filter, changed plugs. I've even replaced the wiper stalk with one from a european 626 so I can have VARIABLE intermittant wipers. I'm not the kind of guy who is into car mods, but mods that you can't see are just fine by me. I like the notion of a sleeper. Future plans include a stealth satellite radio mod. I know I could do it very easily, but I'm not keen on drilling to put a satellite antenna, and I like my head unit so I'm going to have to be clever.

I could pay it off in one clean sweep, right now. But I'm just mailing off another payment. I got 0% interest on this chick for 5 years, so why pay early? There's no point to it. This, folks, in itself is an incentive to maintain PERFECT credit. Deals like this just fall in your lap.

...

Yes, I'm purposefully avoiding talking about something. How could you tell?

(oh, and, you are clicking that little kabob frequently, correct? If you read above, you'll know I like subtle changes that aren't necessarily obvious)

Even More Tarot

You know, this is kind of fun. This will be a weekly thing for me, methinks. I'd like to get a celtic cross done, but, that costs money. Or I have to kidnap a best friend and put her in a room with me with a table covered in a red felt tablecloth. Maybe with a few candles and a crystal ball, because those are kind of cool. One or the other.

Oh, come on. It's spring again. AGAIN! Motherfuckers. Wasn't spring like two hours ago? Fucking rising sap. DIE DIE DIE!

*ahem*

Tonight's tarot. This time, with commentary! Think of it as getting the DVD version. Without the cool collector shit. But, sorry, still carries the extra cost.

I will expect my check within 7 days of invoice.

how you feel about yourself now
(The Hermit) You may be feeling lonely at this time or going through a period of introspection. If you are struggling to find answers to your questions give it time, they will come. This is a time for prudence and patience. If you have been unwell this is a time for rest and recuperation.
Well duh. How about I forget about getting answers to my questions in the interests of dumping prudence and patience? The one thing I HATE the most is failing when I am clearly capable of success and still try my best. But this hermit fellow's got the feelings down.

what you most want at this moment
(The Chariot) The cards suggest Erik, that what you most want at this time is success, to win and not give up the fight. You are successful and assertive in most things, or if you haven’t quite got the success you want, you will get it. This is a time of movement and change - expect a journey relating to work, or if you want that car you’ve been looking at, go get it.
Journey relating to work? You bet. I'm working in a new location considerably closer to where I like being. And you're damn skippy "MOST" things. But what I most want is completely nailed here: to win it all. How's that E-rotic song go? "Winner takes it all / Loser has to fall." Ahhh... well... not all their songs are winners.

your fears
(The Hierophant) Are you really your best counsel? Probably not at this moment in time. You are worried that you will sell yourself short and agree to something that you don’t feel morally comfortable with. For example you may really desire marriage but the offer has been ‘let’s live together’. You may be looking at a job or business opportunity but you question how ethical it is. Seek out an advisor you can trust such as a teacher, priest, parent or anyone you have respect for. They will be happy to help.
I feel I'd been slightly deceived recently, partially relating to something I don't feel morally comfortable with (take that judgement cape off: it's spring as discussed above). I'm not terribly upset about it, it's just that when I think pessimisticly about something, I'd rather not be correct. And I do feel as though lately my self-advisement hasn't really been on the ball. If you know me, and odds are you do, you know I prefer to make my mistakes so long as it was my fault for making them. It's just plain lame to make mistakes because you followed someone elses's advice.

what is going for you
(The Lovers) New love and commitment will enter your life, even if there’s no one on the horizon - be prepared for a surprise. Throw caution to the wind and expect joyous and happy times ahead.
Uh-huh. That's what you said last time. Although, if last time was valid only until this new reading, I guess you could say I did find a new love. A friend has just broken through the barrier where now I love them. It's a platonic, friendly love, but it absolutely is love in which one takes joy in the other's joys, and pain in the other's pains. And to think I thought it was just a silly crush, but it evolved into something rather nice. I do think, also, that this same PFL is returned.
(aren't you glad I didn't call it "friendly, platonic love"? FPL would be confusing.)

what is going against you
(The Emperor) You may be over ambitious at this time, success may remain just out of your reach for a while. Are you being assertive and positive enough? Or are you using aggressive, bullying tactics to no avail? Do not mis-use your authority or if you have requested help from a strong, successful man don’t let him bully you - he either helps or leaves you to get on with things yourself.
Manx is confused! Sounds to me as though the reading up to this point is rather depressing. I'll be agressive and ambitious but it's excessive, I want to be successful, but I'll be stopped cold. I wanna music!

outcome
(The Tower) A period of dramatic change and upheaval, however this period of change will herald a new beginning. It is time to re-evaluate - sometimes, as difficult as the disappointment has been to take, change can create new possibilities you never dreamed of. There could be problems relating to your property, or if considering a new property or move, progress will be thwarted.
Oh dear.

Return

Back from Jacon. Have to say I had fun, moreso than last year. Last year was kind of lonely, and this one was much less as such. Partially due to company, partially due to being smart enough to stay at the hotel where it was goin' down, and partly due to having Trillian exported onto my notebook computer.

Events of the weekend:


None of my AMVs were shown. Which would have been fine provided that the rest of the vids didn't suck. I mean, there was a Devil May Cry video in which the song made no match whatsoever. More Than Toast again took top honors, which normally is the case with excellent productions, but this time it wasn't exactly an extraordinary video by any stretch. Best Action, I feel, instead should have been pushed to Best of Show and another action found to fill the spot.

To be honest, though, during that competition I saw something I never thought I would ever live to see. A non-shitty Naruto video. That one was really very good. And then there was the other one.

The mood of that AMV competition seems to be one of "far too serious than it ought to be." It should be fun, not all overly dramatic. I'll enter them in Yasumicon and I'm sure the outcome will be different.


I took far fewer pictures than I intended. I'm a lazy photographer, and for some reason it felt heavy and I didn't want to go through the gestures of taking snaps.


Su was there, and tried to teach me how to rave. The funny part? I was fine that night and the next day but here I am two days later and I'm sore. Great, my body's got a 48 hour latency. Huh? Ah, aren't you nosy. Well, I believe things are sizing up for us to be really good friends, and it pleases me.


I was told I wasn't someone's type. The manner in which it came out was pretty amusing to me. The finest moment of that little tirade of "Gee, Manx, you suck" was that I am full aware I'm not her type. But, shit, girl, play along a little. Bah, you're no fun. It's not deceptive if everyone involved is AWARE it's just for fun and nothing serious is intended.


All functions and events involving hentai were far more cerebral and entertaining than expected. I highly recommend them to anyone IF they're strong enough to shrug off the stigma of being labelled a pervert. Although the stigma isn't really there anymore. Please, there was a TON of yaoi encouraged events and behavior. 1992 and "that's not anime!!!" this ain't.


Someone I always kind of thought looked at me indifferently seems to be warming up. And out of that I'm warming up, too. It's important, then, to reiterate: One Knows Nothing. Something that nobody ever asks me is why I think the way I do about people and life in general. Well, it's because anytime I have the arrogance to assume I know what's going on in someone else's head I'm usually schooled in the fact that I know nothing when I try to uncover what's going on by going direct to the source. She and I've got a get together this weekend. I'm very excited.


Oh, and, by the way...


YOU ARE FRYLOCK -- A large, hovering box of french
fries, Frylock is the voice of reason for the
Aqua Teens. He is very smart, owns a computer,
and is often exasperated by his imcompetent
roomates. He does the majority of the
crime-solving for the Hunger Force, and without
him, very little would be accomplished.


What 'Aqua Teen Hunger Force' character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

... hell yeah!

INTERNET!

Thank GOD my room has internet. I thought I was going to be bored all night!

You know, though, I think my last post was a little harsh. Today my theme is "love comes from where you least expect it." And, honestly, that's what I want.

See, now I wish I would have asked around and see who would have liked to come up with me. Oh well. At least there's an on-site Pizza Hut. Which is nice because I can't seem to find a nearby Japanese restauraunt.

MUNCH

Current Project

Wanna know what I'm doing right now? Right this moment? Now now now?

...

Pfft. Well fuck you. I'll tell you ANYWAY.

I'm trying to drain my batteries. My camera's got rechargeable AA batteries in it, NiMH type. Everyone [cool] knows that you never recharge those types of batteries unless they are discharged. Doing this ensures that you get the maximum life from your batteries. Each recharge is slightly less than full, original, factory fresh capacity, and if the batteries are not completely discharged, they suffer from a memory effect that makes them forget what's full and what's empty.

Or something like that.

Note that Li-Ion batteries are the opposite! They should be kept as charged as possible if the device is used. If in storage, keep them at 50%. Also, at least once a month a Li-Ion battery should be discharged completely (device run until it shuts itself off) and charged completely. You know, keep them electrons movin'.

The interesting thing about Li-Ion batteries is that you cannot fully charge or fully discharge them. Sure, the light turns off when it's "full", and the device turns off when it's "empty", but, see, those batteries are actually HIGHLY unstable beyond a certain point in charge and lack of charge. That's why, no matter what it is, if it comes with a Li-Ion battery, it's always at least slightly charged. You should immediately charge it to as high as it'll go, but there's juice in there, I promise.

So why am I discharging my batteries? 'Cause I'm going to Jacon, that's why! I wondered if I should go alone or offer to take someone along, like a surprise, but... I have a mini-goal while I'm up there.

I'm gonna meet my baby's momma. She just doesn't know who she is yet. For a couple of weeks I've had my mind on love and mushy stuff. Or, sorry, I mean "luv" and "flowers stuff." Time to ramp out on that. While I truly and fundamentally believe that romantic love and good sex are inseparable, for the same reason why a tube of toothpaste can never truely be emptied, that doesn't necessarily mean that one can't naturally occur without the other. They normally go hand in hand, but if my wife wouldn't be able to put out for whatever reason that alone won't make me stop loving her. Likewise, (I'm guilty of this one) having a good time with someone you don't necessarily love isn't mind-blowing or life-altering, but, when taken at face value, is still not-too-shabby. We'll see how this pans out. To be honest, I look considerably less studly than I did a year ago, but whatever. I am also unable to speak, so... what exactly do I have going for me again? Ah, yes. The touch.... the feel.... of cotton.

And besides of all that. I need a break, and this is a normal progression of work. Next week I start working on banking software for around a month and a half. A laugh riot I'm sure. I'm going to be bored out of my skull, I estimate. AT LEAST I'll be closer to my stomping grounds instead of doing a grand-tour of Miami every single damned morning. So much closer I might be able to pull of a DDR power lunch. Dare I? I dare.

Wait, aren't I supposed to be talking about my projects? Ok. Sub-dermal implants. Ok, goths, coolies, and the truely fucked up among us get into body modification. And by modification they mean go to a med school campus and let a doctor wanna be practice on them doing some out of this world shit as long as they swear never to tell who did it. So there are the twin brothers, one had a finger cut off at the last knuckle, only to be attached to the other's finger. So one has a short finger and the other has a freakish 4-segment finger. Oh, and, did I mention these twins also agreed for one guy to have his whole arm cut off attached to the other's chest? Then again, I saw it on the internet so who knows what's true and what isn't.

One popular thing is having stuff inserted under your skin. Like you could take a Lucky-Charms sized skull made of joint-grade plastic lodged in the palm of your hand so when you hail Hitler you look like even more of a fucknut. That pretty much sums my opinion on that.

BUT I had a revelation during a dream last night. There are these things called "rare earth" magnets. Rare earth because they're supposed to be made of some not-really-natually-occurring metals. They are man made and pretty cheap. You can have them milled to any shape, so long as it's a regular geometric shape.

Wouldn't it totally kick ass to have a magnetic disc implanted under the skin of the palm of my hand? I could pick up metal things just by waving my hand, I can degauss magnetic tapes just by rubbing it, and various other Stupid Magnet Tricks. The downside? Ahh... I need two hands with full tactile sensation (see above mini-goal). And the other downside is... umm... look, I just really need two hands with full tactile sensation.

Other project? Well, after I broke (aka. destroyed) my only soldering iron, I've gotta get another one to finish my homemade Pop-n-Music controller. There, that was wholesome, yes?

Silenced by the Man

I lost my voice.

Last time I did it was three days that I had an empty voice and then it came back all low and growly. That will be my opportunity to call a bunch of people pretending to be a cop, or something.

Then again, I could have always used the Arnold sound-board.

"I'm a cop, you idiot!"

Somehow I'm obsessed with police. Not in a good way, but in a way that makes fun of them. I don't appreciate them at all. "Protect and serve" is more like "Patronize and self-serve." I've never had a police officer help me even when I needed it.

Back when I drove Drake, my old '89 Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme, I remember being disabled on the side of the road and having at least three police cars pass me in complacency before the help I called came. Also I was driving with my brother in his car and it became disabled in the middle of the road in the middle of a busy intersection. We basically jumped out of the car and pushed it onto a road and over to the side to get out of the way. It took maybe 3 minutes, and other vehicles could absolutely tell there was a problem and there was no disturbances. Out of nowhere a police cruiser comes by and hands him a FUCKING TICKET for obstructing traffic. WTF? We MOVED it to prevent it from being an obstruction.

All I see anywhere are cops getting free meals from places, and I'm sure they selectively enforce the law based on if they like you or not. There are too many white cops, far more than the percentage of the population. That should mean something. They also have a chip on their shoulder, otherwise they wouldn't look for a way to push other people around.

That's why I love my "Plain Clothes Cop" shirt.

Ha, a little larengitis and you think I can be silenced?

White Weddin'

About two months ago I was invited to a wedding. The deadline to reply is next week.

For those two months, the invitation sat on my desk. Every time I looked at it I wondered if I should go or not. I've never been to a real "Do you?" "I do." wedding before, just a piece of shit dining hall get together. I don't know anything of the rituals or customs. Plus, from what I understand, it's important to have a date. Nuts to that. If I followed rules like that, I'd never see a movie in a movie theater.

Oh, wait, it's been, ah, a year. Nevermind.

But I sent it out. I replied that I will go. Now it's all "aw, hell, I really don't want to go." Every step of the way in my discovery of customs is like that. Bridal registry, hey, ok. What, what do you mean I gotta give a gift AND give a card with money in it? That's two gifts! Um... does it matter I only know the bride?

At least I'm getting something back. I checked "salmon" on the response. Too bad Turducken wasn't on the menu. And nevermind that you can't spell "Turducken" without "Turd". That is irrelevant.

I'm still sick. I've been going to work, but I've got a disgusting persistant cough. Very attractive I'm sure. That and just general malaise is breaking down my DDR ability. I've been on a 4x/week regimen so far and I'm nervous about breaking it, but playing crappily isn't going to help me push the limits.
At least it gave me an excuse to recreate a character on The Grid. I'm not sure whether my new nickname is better than my old one. Old one: "Herpes", as in "You Got Herpes!" when you kill me, "You Were Burned By Herpes!" when I kill you with a flamethrower, etc. New one: "Uglier", as in "You Got Uglier!". Then again, "You Were Burned By Uglier!" doesn't make much sense. But perhaps associating myself with an STD I don't have isn't exactly the best foot forward.

They say Life is an STD. And that's just pretty fucking cynical.

Only the Turducken is more cynical. Yes, it's real. No, it isn't a joke. Well, maybe it was at first, but...

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Normalcy

And it's done.

The best part is how I managed to work my confession into conversation.

"That explains a few things."
"What?"
"Ah, no, it's nothing."
"What----?" (pressure)
"Well, ah no. I can't."
*GLARE*
"It explains why I'm incredibly attracted to you."

She likes someone else, which by my estimation was 87% probability. Final Fantasy Tactics ain't got nothin' on me.

The best parts? I'm in a clearly defined state. That's good, very very good. Also, she wasn't creeped out by it, it didn't change any mood between us, unlike a week ago, and I just feel, well, sort of vindicated. I get to continue to be her friend, it would seem, which is nice because she's cool.

The world needs more cool girls. Once mass production starts to ramp up you'll be swimming in them, I assure you.

So things are back to normal. I'm going to retry the "new" way of finding companionship, so, don't worry, I'll be back to the mad in 8 months, maybe 9 tops.

I'm also sick right now, which makes things a happy coincidence.

No, wait, it sucks.

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Transience

I am logic-guy. I'm a programmer, a wanna be electrical engineer, a Rubik's Cube afficionado (although the last stages of solving it are purely algorithmic and I don't like having to memorize things). Actually, greatly dislike memorizing. I like learning by context, saving memory cells for, well, memories. Not stuff that can fit into a book.

One of the favorite courses in college was Physics. There were two levels of Physics, with Calculus and without. I remember taking the one with Calculus and doing exceedingly well. I had a friend who was taking it without and I never got over how difficult it make life. Armed with Calculus, from memorizing a small set of equations, you could derive every formula you could ever need on a test. Those taking the course without Calculus had to memorize table upon table of fomulas. A lot of the time they had to memorize a whole bunch of different equations just to describe the same types of things, because they needed ones to describe things regarding a round mass, a ring mass, pole mass, turnip-shaped mass, etc.

It also means that there is nothing undone. If you present a mass shaped like the floating disembodied head of Colonel Sanders, there are a series of steps to derive a custom formula for it. There is a clear path to take, a tree of dependancies. You just think logically and it all just fits into place. Finger Lickin' Good, bee-yotch.

People, on the other hand, are different. When you're doing physics or programming or anything in the sciences, you have a "feel" over the results and can tell when it's wrong. If you try to find the mass of an object and you wind up with a negative number, then you've done something wrong. If you try to find out how much charge is stored in a battery and you wind up with "oatmeal" as your answer, then somewhere along the line you fucked up. With people, they're not so cut and dry.

You can't really tell if you're doing well. A prayer for some attention and get noticed is something you won't know the results of until weeks to come. You don't know if a mistake at once point will resurface later. And it is that degree of transience between success and failure that bugs the hell out of me. And it causing me to act irrationally.

Example: Claw games are evil. Yet I played one. To obtain a ring that resembled one she liked from a few days ago. The greatest shame I have is that I'm better at crane games than I lead on. It's about massaging the target into a favorable position, overcoming mirrors and lights that try to misalign one's aim, and pretty much getting the "clear shot". This level of investment of time and skill and persistance is not like me for someone who's opinion of me is undefined (well, friend, yes, but higher than that is an undefined variable).

Example: Saw her car, didn't see her. Guessed she might have been eating at Cafe Tokyo. I don't like to spy, and it's clearly a stalker move. But I walked by with eyes open. Twice. It is yet undetermined what I would have done had I seen her. Nothing bad, I'm sure.

The longer answer is that one of my quirks is control. I like to assume responsibility. I'm not afraid of taking the blame if it really is my fault, but mostly so that I can take the glory when I do a good job like I almost always do. I'm a powerhouse and there's not much of anything I can't do given enough time and enough will. Part of this makes me an excellent project manager at work when I am given the authority. I like to take a step back from what I have done and say "damn, them's some good work, Erik."
"Why thank you!"
"No, thank you!"
"No no, thank YOU!"
"Please, it was my pleasure."
"Kill your parents, then yourself."
"Hey, who invited you?

This time, it's not about something I can control. I'm not a rapist, you know. I want her to choose me of her own free will. It's not that I'm a control freak, I can and sometimes do yield because you can't take on every personal challenge: you just can't. But they say if you want something done right you gotta do it yourself.

And I want Su to be done right.

(Wow, with lines like that, how is it, exactly, that I don't have game?)

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Can't sleep, have I been punked?

It's been a while, so here's my latest card reading:

... BUT FIRST...

Interesting words.

"I don't have a boyfriend, I've been saying that for like a month."

Uhhhh....

Sidetrack: here is a fake question that nobody has asked me. Don't thank me, thank the science of make-believe.

"So... why do you announce this publicly on a blog, even use a name?"
Well, I'm bad at keeping my secrets. Other people's secrets? I'm a vault. Because they're not mine to toy with. My secrets? I've got two good secrets. One of which I havn't told anyone except one person, although my parents know, my brother knows, and anyone I went to college with at FIU that knew me in high school also knows. I keep it a secret so I don't embarass my parents for exposing them for bad parents who, on the surface, say they'd do anything for their first born, but when the rubber meets the road, I'm on my own.

The second secret I keep to myself because, if the average person knew it, they might think I was lying because it's extremely flattering towards myself. Lets just say that sometimes I make claims here that seem unsubstantiated, but, I assure you, that they completely legitimate. And I'll leave it at that.

Now, the real reason is that my philosophy is that honest communication can do no wrong. It's the only way to get what you want when what you want is what they want.

Since I'm obviously a great guy with lots of great qualities, if she were to find out, that would be good and stuff. I'm financially stable, I'm entertaining, I'm loving, I'm loyal, I kick ass at Tetris Attack, and I'm a good lay. Can't go wrong, girl.

Another quote of the night:
"I know for a fact that someone likes me, and I like them, and that's nice."

Hooo boy, now, this is absolutely a sharp, deadly, double edged blade. This could be very good news, if she did, in fact, know my non-secret. Or this could be very very bad news, at least for me, if she is referring to someone else.

THIS is why I tried to give up my old ways. The new theory was that I'm not allowed to like someone unless they are willing to make an effort to see if they can like me. The idea is that you ask a girl out that you MAY find interesting and can crush on. If she says yes, then she's thinking the same thing about you: "hey, this guy MIGHT be interesting and I might crush on him." And from there, we find out. Together. Doesn't that sound nice?

But, yes, ladies and gents, I ignored that. Why? Maybe it's not having been with anyone for a year. Maybe it's the loneliness of driving two hours to and from work every day, that makes me wish I could look forward to coming home and seeing my mate. Maybe it's that the kind of qualities I like in a girl are rare at best and I feel like I need to grasp on and not let go.

So I can't sleep because I don't know who she was talking about. Arg! Suspense.

But then she can't possibly be talking about me, because she said no, right? Although... that's how I took it. What if (just suppose) the frown was because she really DID want to go out with me but did genuinely have plans? Hey, I didn't even consider that possibility.

Don't judge me. Don't fucking judge me. Stop judging me. I can feel you judging me.

I did wake up enough to have another tarot run for me. Here's what it says:

How you feel about yourself now (The Hanged Man)
You feel a little confused and perhaps fearful because you sense or know that there is someone or something you need to give up to be able to move on. This self-sacrifice isn’t always clear - you may not even know quite what or whom you should give up. This is a time of passage from one phase of your life to another and The Hanged Man can signify a time of spiritual development too. Perhaps you need to try and look at things from a different prospective.

What you most want at this moment (The Lovers)
The cards suggest Erik, that what you most want at this time is to know what choice to make - carry on as you are or take a risk? The risk offers excitement and change and staying as you are .... Well you know what that has to offer. Dare to love, dare to live?

Your fears (The Devil)
You are afraid that it's out of control, you simply cannot resist this passionate attraction. Despite the fact its addictive and unlikely to be right, you just can’t stop yourself. Whatever it is, a passion for someone who’s not good for you, money deals that are too good to be true or any other kind of temptation, try to resist, as it is unlikely to have a positive outcome. If you're feeling low in self-belief and self worth and doubt your abilities, don’t, have more confidence - its not too late to change direction.

What is going for you (The Fool)
This is an exciting time with much potential for fun and good times. Your confidence should be high, it's a great time for new possibilities. If you are considering leaving your job, home or relationship, in time you will. An unexpected desire will be fulfilled, even before you express it!

What is going against you (Strength)
Your negativity and lack of self control are your real enemies. If you are finding certain addictions in your life are taking a hold, be it smoking or drinking for example, look inward for you hearts true strength and self-belief. Change your attitude and be positive and you will reap great rewards.

Outcome (The Magician)
A time of positive action with great potential, you are full of self-belief and feeling very empowered. It's time to show everyone exactly what you’re made of. You will have the ability to think on your feet and The Magician is an excellent omen for success.


Holy moley. I could NOT have gotten anything more relevant if I TRIED.

I still don't think I can sleep now, though. I'm gonna be a wreck for the DDR tournament tomorrow. Although I still think it's my weight. I thought my diet has been going well because of how my clothes are fitting, but I still have 40 pounds to lose from my low point a year ago.

And I've got to look good for my lady.