Transience

I am logic-guy. I'm a programmer, a wanna be electrical engineer, a Rubik's Cube afficionado (although the last stages of solving it are purely algorithmic and I don't like having to memorize things). Actually, greatly dislike memorizing. I like learning by context, saving memory cells for, well, memories. Not stuff that can fit into a book.

One of the favorite courses in college was Physics. There were two levels of Physics, with Calculus and without. I remember taking the one with Calculus and doing exceedingly well. I had a friend who was taking it without and I never got over how difficult it make life. Armed with Calculus, from memorizing a small set of equations, you could derive every formula you could ever need on a test. Those taking the course without Calculus had to memorize table upon table of fomulas. A lot of the time they had to memorize a whole bunch of different equations just to describe the same types of things, because they needed ones to describe things regarding a round mass, a ring mass, pole mass, turnip-shaped mass, etc.

It also means that there is nothing undone. If you present a mass shaped like the floating disembodied head of Colonel Sanders, there are a series of steps to derive a custom formula for it. There is a clear path to take, a tree of dependancies. You just think logically and it all just fits into place. Finger Lickin' Good, bee-yotch.

People, on the other hand, are different. When you're doing physics or programming or anything in the sciences, you have a "feel" over the results and can tell when it's wrong. If you try to find the mass of an object and you wind up with a negative number, then you've done something wrong. If you try to find out how much charge is stored in a battery and you wind up with "oatmeal" as your answer, then somewhere along the line you fucked up. With people, they're not so cut and dry.

You can't really tell if you're doing well. A prayer for some attention and get noticed is something you won't know the results of until weeks to come. You don't know if a mistake at once point will resurface later. And it is that degree of transience between success and failure that bugs the hell out of me. And it causing me to act irrationally.

Example: Claw games are evil. Yet I played one. To obtain a ring that resembled one she liked from a few days ago. The greatest shame I have is that I'm better at crane games than I lead on. It's about massaging the target into a favorable position, overcoming mirrors and lights that try to misalign one's aim, and pretty much getting the "clear shot". This level of investment of time and skill and persistance is not like me for someone who's opinion of me is undefined (well, friend, yes, but higher than that is an undefined variable).

Example: Saw her car, didn't see her. Guessed she might have been eating at Cafe Tokyo. I don't like to spy, and it's clearly a stalker move. But I walked by with eyes open. Twice. It is yet undetermined what I would have done had I seen her. Nothing bad, I'm sure.

The longer answer is that one of my quirks is control. I like to assume responsibility. I'm not afraid of taking the blame if it really is my fault, but mostly so that I can take the glory when I do a good job like I almost always do. I'm a powerhouse and there's not much of anything I can't do given enough time and enough will. Part of this makes me an excellent project manager at work when I am given the authority. I like to take a step back from what I have done and say "damn, them's some good work, Erik."
"Why thank you!"
"No, thank you!"
"No no, thank YOU!"
"Please, it was my pleasure."
"Kill your parents, then yourself."
"Hey, who invited you?

This time, it's not about something I can control. I'm not a rapist, you know. I want her to choose me of her own free will. It's not that I'm a control freak, I can and sometimes do yield because you can't take on every personal challenge: you just can't. But they say if you want something done right you gotta do it yourself.

And I want Su to be done right.

(Wow, with lines like that, how is it, exactly, that I don't have game?)

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