Delectation, despondency, and other 4+ syllable words

Ooh, Manx in conflict.

Fake, but Likely Q. & A.:

Q. How was the trip?
A. It was awesome. As usual, I had a really good time with Diana.

Q. Really?
A. Yes.

Q. *elbow* Really?
A. It really isn't anyone's business. We're both single, and therefore is not of vital concern to anyone. But, because I'm such a nice guy, I'll say for the record, we didn't have sex.

Q. Ha, then you didn't really have a good time.
A. That's not a question, and you're wrong. Dude, she's not my girlfriend. Chill.

Q. Would you like her to be?
A. Do you know what any of those two words up there mean? That should give a clue. Hint: they are not straight antonyms, but they do color from the opposite sides of the spectrum.

I spent more time with her this weekend straight than I have with anyone else within the past 1 year 1 month and 4 days. In fact, the limit for a non-girlfriend is 36 hours. I hoped to avoid emo-kid, but I couldn't completely. The drive back I just felt really lonely and forelorn. Hearing her speak on the phone affectionately to her ex just made me wish I could win her affection.

But I can't. Can't force a girl, can't make a girl, can't even encourage a girl. She either does or she doesn't. While I wasn't planning on romance, I wasn't planning on that little subtext to be completely ejected from the formula. I wasn't expecting to have pointed out the illegitimacy of my secret desire. That it would "ruin" things. "Why would [you] [want to ruin this]?" It hurts to be told my affection could cause ruin, no matter how nicely or bluntly it's made. And, as a scientist, it's hard for me to understand how something is known to not work if no attempt is made to find out.

Girl Logic: if a girl says that "anything happening" would result in ruining a friendship means a few things. It means A) You exist in the Friend Zone. There is no escape. B) You are in the Friend Zone because you have failed to attract me with mind, body, and soul, and only did in some combination of mind and soul, or at different speeds from what I am comfortable with. C) I will interfere with the natural progression of things because I am embarassed of what people will think. There is also potential for D) I'm hurt and I don't want to look at you as a rebound boy. Which is ok, except that if A and D coexist, A takes supremacy.

(to be fair, she doesn't really know how clumsy and inexperienced I am (well, with unique individuals, I'm just a natural talent), even though I am 25. Su knows. Not via first hand experience, but she and I had pillow talk where I disclosed everything. Diana pillow talk didn't include that. At that point, it's be like me giving a commercial for myself. And I don't want to be that kind of guy.)

Q. Does that mean you won't want to hang out with her anymore?
A. Well, look, I won't wait for something impossible to happen. But, in the meantime, it's just nice being around her. The "Status Quo" between us has been established, and I feel liked more than average and even though I've hit the glass ceiling it's still better than otherwise.

I want something, alright. I want love and to be loved. I believe in triads so I wonder if there's something missing to those two desires. The missing link. Love is an attraction of the mind, body, and soul. Whereas what I want needs love, to be loved, and something else.

It isn't chicken pot pie. I'm only pretty sure of that.

One of the most heartbreaking things I visualize in my future is that if I think I can get this mystery triad, and I start to try and make it work with this Hypothetical Lady, I can't do this sort of thing with Diana anymore. Her boyfriend or whatever would trust her, and Hypothetical Lady would trust me, too, but my heart would be pulled and one thing I believe, nay, live by, is that if I love you, then I love you completely. The heartbreaking thing is that the potential future cold shoulder towards Diana because of her potential ability to tickle my affections might also ruin the flavor of the friendship later.

Bittersweet. I still had a wonderful time though. More details coming after I stop feeling lonely and whistful.

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