what tian has learned: Homeless Rather Get Handouts Than Work

Saw this link and found it tremendously interesting. I really gotta figure out how to rip Flash-Fetched videos.

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I don't know what the big deal is. I mean, I don't even wake up for less than $100 a day.

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Holidays

I know what I'm getting you for Christmas.

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Please please, don't thank me yet.

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Weekend Well Spent

Hooray! Somehow, the fact that the start screen changed to something FUCKING COOL I think is probably the best reward I've gotten after beating Mario Kart DS. Now to squeeze Bowser into Toad's little vehicle...

RAWR BABY! (As you probably could tell, I didn't do any freelance work this weekend. Thank goodness!)

BORED

ETHICS QUESTION: If I found the blog of someone I know, who tried to keep it secret from me, is it ethical to not let them know I'm reading it? They mention me. More than just once. Some of it is confrontational-ish (things they wouldn't say to me), some of it is deception (things I DID NOT DO OR SAY), some of it highlights how they lie to me, too (things they didn't tell me for whatever reason, just general lies). But if I confront, scold, and demand corrections, then the stuff being said stops because I'm a "known audience". Then I won't be able to see the deception for myself. She's not using my last name or anything, but I do have a distinctly spelled first name and I don't know who knows what and blah blah blah.

ETHICS ANSWER: The ministry says "Do the Right Thing." The right thing, then, in my interpretation, is to say nothing and keep reading, lest I give my loyalty back to a traitorous little succubus of an imp. Or imp of a succubus, one or the other. You want the straight story? Come to me. Hear any rumors lately? It might be a good idea to run it by me. Well, good for me at least. I'm not infallable, but I don't like taking heat for shit I don't deserve to be taking heat for.

Anywho, I'm so bored now I could sacrifice a chicken. And since I've had this blog for like a year already, and I havn't put one of these faggy little tests on it, it's about time I do. The twist is (there's always a twist) that I'm answering it on your behalf.

Hey, at least I'm not answering it on your behalf in Japanese Kabuki.

1. Who are you?
A member of the adoring public.

2. Are we friends?
Depends on whether you paid back that five spot I lent you.

3. When and how did we meet?
We met on a mission: we were requisitioned to kill each other on the field, but neither of us could go through with it. And then you saved me from those seals.

4. How have I affected you?
+2 Dex

5. What do you think of me?
-4 Wis

6. What's the fondest memory you have of me?
That time at band camp.

7. How long do you think we will be friends?
You... do have that five bucks I lent you, right?

8. Do you love me?
Define: Friend love? Love love? Creepy love? Restraining order love? Loony-bin love? Hippie love? Did you misspell The Louvre again?

9. Do you have a crush on me?
I'd like to, yes, I would very much like to crush you.

10. Would you kiss me?
Then you'd owe me ten bucks, deal?

11. Would you hug me?
Gosh, you're needy.

12. Physically, what stands out?
That huge erection. Ha ha ha... just kidding. Obviously your massive gut is the only thing standing out from any which direction I peer at you.

13. Emotionally, what stands out?
Your heartwarming loving nature... which is completely overshadowed by that MASSIVE GROWTH YOUR CALL A STOMACH!

14. Do you wish I was cooler?
Yeah, then I could store my beer inside you. Maybe some cubed fruit and some punch for the kids when we go to the beach.

15. On a scale of 1-10, how hot am I?
Celcius or Farenheit?

16. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
Manx, because you forced me to repeat it and believe it over and over again, you ego maniac!

17. Am I loveable?
Slightly, only enough to keep me from running you over with my car.

18. How long have you known me?
Geez, it feels like forever. A torturous, labourious, unending unceasing FOREVER.

19. Describe me in one word.
You.

20. What was your first impression?
When some guy sat on my while I was playing in the sandbox. When the paramedics got me out, there was a neat little impression of me in the sand.

21. Do you still think that way about me now?
No, you don't match what the sketch artist drew up for that guy.

22. What do you think my weakness is?
Flesh is generally weak.

23. Do you think I'll get married?
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
Seriously, though, for money or citizenship?

24. What makes me happy?
Can I answer the next question first?

25. What makes me sad?
GETTING KICKED IN THE NUTS! Now, what makes you happy? NOT getting kicked in the nuts.

26. What reminds you of me?
Cheese.

27. If you could give me anything what would it be?
Negative money, so I'd have my five bucks back.

28. How well do you know me?
Obviously, not well enough to trust you to pay back your debts in a timely manner.

29. When's the last time you saw me?
Last night, jacking off, outside of your window while you were sleeping. I thought you'd never know.

30. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
All the time. Too bad you're deaf.

31. Do you think I could kill someone?
You mean, you havn't?

32. Do you miss me?
Unfortunately, yes. But I'm getting a laser sight, so not for long.

33. Do you think i miss you?
I'd rather not give you a gun to find out.

34. Are you going to put this on your MYSPACE and see what I say about you?
Do what to the what now?

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Experimentation

Today marks a first. It is the first time I have ever purchased software direct to download. It went rather well. I feel pretty good.

Until I recall what it is I bought.

Lets see here... according to the site...

Girl characters of "Magical Girls' School" makes a great return here as super horny characters, brings you great card game with big bonuses. New character Aris is newly involved!! The rules of game is very simple! Play with your beloved girl!! Win after win! Strip them off!! Yes, heaps of hentai scenes with full voice-over!! Let's play "chatting" battles with the girls! Depending on your score, you will be able to get bonus illustrations and complete save data at Aris shop! All the way cool images are newly produced by Kazuma Kakeru! Featuring great voice actresses!!

Oh, don't act surprised. Wow, though, it's fun!

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Not Working

I got my first check for this freelance stuff. It's... ahhh... wow. For the effort already put in, wow.

See, even though I worked all weekend, I only maybe put about 6 total hours in. I would take breaks for water, bathroom, snacks, TV, flash, petting cat, you know, the things required of life.

So, again, wow.

It would have been even more productive and even fewer hours if it was developed in the programming language I typically use at work. See, at work, I grew tired of writing the same thing over and over so I made some very general purpose (large scale) functions to do most of the work for me. Everything I make sort of works the same on the backend, but can still be customized very very heavily. The functions are HUGE and some have as many as 30 (THIRTY) parameters I need to memorize. But that's ok because I created the functions and I know what's where by heart. And, if not, there's always an example on an existing project.

But it's not in my work language. So I can't use them. Oh well. No big deal.

So, today I gotta work again, and tomorrow to. So far? Maybe about 2 hours of work. It's not going well. My "8 hour shift" is over at midnight.

This is so my fault.

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PS. My Mario Kart DS friend code is
335067
095097

Outcasts of Society

For the record, South Beach sucks. Stuffy, unfriendly, snobby DICKHEADS rule supreme. I am very unhappy here... the extra cash doesn't help matter much. There comes a time when you have to listen to your heart, not your wallet.

And my heart is saying "ARG! I NEED MONEY!"

Man, what a sell out.

But, I found DDR here. And, for the brief 9 minutes of total playtime, I was a GOD. Although, just a minister, not THE God, but I didn't stop them.

Unfortunately, the female watchers were all underage. Or at least they looked underage. Already I spent an extra 10 minutes over my lunch break playing and got hell for it. Although, if they were not underage, I would certainly be ok with being an hour over my lunch break playing and, ah... "playing." It would have been interesting to try and charm one.

Too bad I'm too ethical.

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Wait....

Hold up...

It was like 1:30pm... on a Thursday... if they were underage, they'd be in school....

"ARG! I NEED BRAINS!"

I cannot be trusted

So I've got a freelance project. I'm one weekend down, two to go. Hooray.

I've worked pretty much from the time I wake up to the time I go to sleep. If you ignore the frequent breaks. I did about an honest 12 hour job in two days, which isn't too bad considering I usually prize my weekends.

I made a flash, though. It's a quick 30 second one, but I think it's hilarious and I could resist taking time off of work to play with it.

When the work's done, though, I'll be sure to show it all off so you can all go "ooh" and "aah" and I can get some freelance cred.

(the money will be fantastic! I'm a greedy son-of-a-bitch, but I'm not selfish. You'll see!)

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The "D" word

Best quoted conversation from last week:

Diana: You want sex too much.
Myself: No, I just want SOME.

(in reference to me feeling blue thinking about Melissa)

It's happening again. I really don't have all the time I need to find a good match up I need. Potentially. I fully intend to try to live to the best of my ability. But I feel like I have to die, somehow. You know, or else I'll feel weird when I wake up next year.

My folks are INSANE, by the way. Just thought I'd share.

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Like, WTF

Ok, here's WTF is going on.

I'm a dead man. The mob. I'm not a made man after all.

No, that's not it. Eh, I've been trying to figure out a clever, funny, insanely panty-dropping way to say this. I came up with "my penis will explode if I don't get some sex soon, so help save my life!" But that's not really clever. Then I came up with "I'm going to become vaporized because I use too much Vicks Vap-O-Rub... which is clever but really unfunny. I thought I might streak through town, but that would just scare children.

Ok. My heart's not good. Well, technically, it's not any worse off than anyone else's. It's the blood it pumps. Something about the blood makes my heart work harder than it has to. I havn't been poisoned, it isn't a chemical, it isn't drugs. Well, technically it is a chemical, but it's natural. The only reason why it's measured is in tandem with other things they look for in bloodwork. By itself it doesn't really mean anything.

But over time, slowly it seems, it's getting more concentrated. Maybe I make too much, maybe I can't get rid of the excess too fast. Who knows. Who cares? It's like learning a deep dark problem can happen with your car based on whether you use the blue washer fluid or the green washer fluid (although, my original car fluid was pink. That was kinda cool).

I've known about it for like a year, but I didn't think anything of it. And, up until like a month ago my current doctor agreed. It's normal for some values to be high or low. Everyone's got their own range. Some people are at 98.6 degrees, some are a little less, some a little more. And since I didn't really have anything really wrong with me, it didn't matter.

Well, now my blood pressure is "tremendously" high. Evidently it "evolved" that way just to push the blood through. Now, whether this is a big deal depends on 9 out of 10 doctors agree. Some (like myself) tend to believe that it's natural. My body makes a natural pea soup, so it naturally has higher pressure. My capilaries can take it... otherwise it would have been an artificial high pressure. Then again, if you've got a medical license (lollerskatez) that means I'm going to have a major killing stroke in 5 months.

So, yeah.

I don't know if I can trust this dude, though. Might be a scare. But, he could be telling it like it is. My last doctor told me I should expect to have a year left to live, and he told me that a year ago. I changed doctors because he was so dramatic about everything and I had him figured for a quack.

But it's not for sure. He says I CAN fix it. I gotta get it down on my own, and then when I'm in better shape, some medications can push it down even further... the risk taking meds now is the dosages would be pretty high because it's based on body weight (and the side effects scale faster than the benefit) and that, if it is natural, that my body would just make more of that stuff to put in my bloodstream to counter it.

So there. I hadn't want to tell anyone for fear I'd be treated differently. But then I got a free cookie at the doctors office so I figured being treated differently might not be so bad. Except I didn't get a cookie, instead I got an infection!

Ha, see, that's clever and funny. Still not panty-dropping, though.

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What have I done for you lately? DOWNLOAD THIS SONG NOW!

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Crappy Weekends

I'd have to say my little escape this weekend was a bust. I just feel like I wasted it.

Here, I've got Melissa on my mind. I just can't get her out of my head. I mean, we gave each other a chance and it didn't work. That's the calm, cool, rational, ACCEPTABLE way to do things. That's my head. Then I've got my own stuff. Like work unfinished.

Yet, she's been able to move on. I can't contact her if I wanted to: the email bounces, her phone number is different, her address is different. We havn't been talking at all and it's because I guess she doesn't want any part of me anymore. Faced with that kind of empirical evidence, it's hard to see oneself as being even remotely valuable.

It will be two years since we "discovered" each other in about a month. In the meantime, she's been able to move on. From the ways I keep tabs on her, I know that she's got a nice boyfriend and she's fairly happy. Meanwhile I'm just stuck.

I don't think this so much means anything about her or what I want of her, but what it means of me.

Saturday I saw a real son-of-a-bitch psychic. She did a reading of me. It seemed pretty accurate until she got to the point where I "charm" my interests. Oh yeah? You gave it away: you're full of it. I can't charm a marshmallow shamrock from a cereal box.

The worst thing in the world is to feel irrelevent and worthless. The only thing worse than that feeling knowing it's retarded to feel that way yet feelings so anyway. And the only worse than that feeling and knowing is not being able to shake it.

I've had this problem before. I never really went into how Lisa and I got mixed up. She was a close friend at the time and my most trusted confidant. I used to complain to her on a nearly daily basis about my luck. "Wow, that sucks" stopped working after a while. "I feel for you, kid" also stopped working. While not my intention (I just need someone to dump on every now and then, and if you say "cleveland steamer" I'll cut 'ya), she ultimately got fed up with it and did me. So I'd stop my bitching. I accepted the premise, willingly. The premise? The premise is that I simply couldn't do it on my own. But I wasn't about to turn it down. If I did I no longer have a valid complaint about anything. It would end up "Shut up, Erik, YOU turned me down."

And I took that approach all later, too. Jenny became available to me and I didn't attribute it to anything I did, because I really didn't DO anything that would have changed her opinion or view of me. I was the same old guy I always was. I took what I could because I felt that I HAD to. That I didn't really have a choice in the matter. Take what I can because I won't get "fed" very often. Grab the steak and drag it to the corner of my cell and wrap myself around it in a fetal position and munch on it, even try to eat the bone.

Jenny's trick broke the systemic feature of the 6-7 years (at that time) of Lisa. And the first time we did something, she said to me "see, and you can have this with anyone if you just reach out and try."

Well, today, reaching out and trying just doesn't work. Su's advice? Just hang out where I usually do and I'll find someone. It will happen naturally. My response? Bullshit. I spent a lifetime like that. I guess it works for girls, but not boys. It's a bit of a lie, but I don't really mind. I mean, it's a lie to make me feel better, which I suppose is alright. It's the thought that counts.

I just don't know how to change my life.

I'll just say this: I can't deal with another multi-year hiatus between me and someone I can be close to. I can't deal with it because... well... lets just say my time may be more limited than I thought.

I get the results of my blood test tomorrow. I've decided to use those results to extrapolate what I've been fearing and fretting and trying not to tell anyone for the past month. I'm bloody nervous about it and I just need to chill. Somehow.

*chill pill*

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Disappointment and Being a Friend

What can one do about evil? Pure, unadulterated evil? How does one reach when they allow evil to enter and envelop the life of another?

Ok, I'm gonna play the minister card. evil is temptation. Evil is pursuasive. But, see, evil seduces. It's absolutely common to hear those who play with it to affirm, almost convincing themselves, that "they are in control", when, in fact, evil is manipulating a sandbox to play in -- its sandbox -- to make you think you control your domain when you do not.

If you allow evil to affix blinders on you, allow evil to put noise-cancelling headphones on you, allow evil to control the vertical, the horizonal, etc. etc., then you will make what you see as the "best" decision... which happens to be the decision they WANT you to make.

I can't get anymore involved than I am in Diana's life. I don't want to be the "daddy". But it's really really painful seeing someone go backwards in development. I can't fight her fight, all I can do is try to remove the blinders, remove the headphones, pay the cable bill for the descrambler.

The question is whether it hurts so much to see a friend to that to herself that I can't be friends with her. I took that approach with Jenny, and now look at her. I turned my back on her when she really needed me to be strong for her. I failed her. And now I realize that, while not my fault, I let it happen. The more I push, though, the more she'll resist. Stubborn people are stubborn. Lemmings absolutely HAVE to jump off that park bench not being able to find a cliff.

The answer to that question? I don't know yet. She knows it upsets me to know she's giving that guy what he wants, it hurts me to see her fall for the cards played to capture her again. I can just point it out. And I did. What did she say? "Sour grapes." Very nice. It's good to see concern and love for a friend is twisted into some kind of jealousy thing. Puh-lease. That also really hurts. I need her to know my motivation isn't sexual. I can't stay sexually obsessed for too long. Not that I shouldn't (which I shouldn't, true), but I lack the ability. Sexual obsession gives way really quick when I realize I'm barking up something I think is a tree but really is a rock.

Would I? Well, *insert a tremendously good reason why I wouldn't want to touch her in that way unless, say, I'm going to die a few days after. I won't say anything more.* So that point is moot.

I just want the best for my friends.

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I wish I didn't care about her future, her happiness. Then it'd be REAL easy for me. I'd say, "bah, fuck it" and everything would be fine by me.

WOW! Now with less getting cut off!

I really should stop hanging out with her, though. I'm just far too nice to her and don't get nearly enough in return. It's only a matter of time before she betrays me.