Crappy Weekends

I'd have to say my little escape this weekend was a bust. I just feel like I wasted it.

Here, I've got Melissa on my mind. I just can't get her out of my head. I mean, we gave each other a chance and it didn't work. That's the calm, cool, rational, ACCEPTABLE way to do things. That's my head. Then I've got my own stuff. Like work unfinished.

Yet, she's been able to move on. I can't contact her if I wanted to: the email bounces, her phone number is different, her address is different. We havn't been talking at all and it's because I guess she doesn't want any part of me anymore. Faced with that kind of empirical evidence, it's hard to see oneself as being even remotely valuable.

It will be two years since we "discovered" each other in about a month. In the meantime, she's been able to move on. From the ways I keep tabs on her, I know that she's got a nice boyfriend and she's fairly happy. Meanwhile I'm just stuck.

I don't think this so much means anything about her or what I want of her, but what it means of me.

Saturday I saw a real son-of-a-bitch psychic. She did a reading of me. It seemed pretty accurate until she got to the point where I "charm" my interests. Oh yeah? You gave it away: you're full of it. I can't charm a marshmallow shamrock from a cereal box.

The worst thing in the world is to feel irrelevent and worthless. The only thing worse than that feeling knowing it's retarded to feel that way yet feelings so anyway. And the only worse than that feeling and knowing is not being able to shake it.

I've had this problem before. I never really went into how Lisa and I got mixed up. She was a close friend at the time and my most trusted confidant. I used to complain to her on a nearly daily basis about my luck. "Wow, that sucks" stopped working after a while. "I feel for you, kid" also stopped working. While not my intention (I just need someone to dump on every now and then, and if you say "cleveland steamer" I'll cut 'ya), she ultimately got fed up with it and did me. So I'd stop my bitching. I accepted the premise, willingly. The premise? The premise is that I simply couldn't do it on my own. But I wasn't about to turn it down. If I did I no longer have a valid complaint about anything. It would end up "Shut up, Erik, YOU turned me down."

And I took that approach all later, too. Jenny became available to me and I didn't attribute it to anything I did, because I really didn't DO anything that would have changed her opinion or view of me. I was the same old guy I always was. I took what I could because I felt that I HAD to. That I didn't really have a choice in the matter. Take what I can because I won't get "fed" very often. Grab the steak and drag it to the corner of my cell and wrap myself around it in a fetal position and munch on it, even try to eat the bone.

Jenny's trick broke the systemic feature of the 6-7 years (at that time) of Lisa. And the first time we did something, she said to me "see, and you can have this with anyone if you just reach out and try."

Well, today, reaching out and trying just doesn't work. Su's advice? Just hang out where I usually do and I'll find someone. It will happen naturally. My response? Bullshit. I spent a lifetime like that. I guess it works for girls, but not boys. It's a bit of a lie, but I don't really mind. I mean, it's a lie to make me feel better, which I suppose is alright. It's the thought that counts.

I just don't know how to change my life.

I'll just say this: I can't deal with another multi-year hiatus between me and someone I can be close to. I can't deal with it because... well... lets just say my time may be more limited than I thought.

I get the results of my blood test tomorrow. I've decided to use those results to extrapolate what I've been fearing and fretting and trying not to tell anyone for the past month. I'm bloody nervous about it and I just need to chill. Somehow.

*chill pill*

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