Due to a lack of clarity...

... actually, no.

Understanding my negativity in the last post hedges on understanding the forces fighting within me at any given time.

First off, let me go on the record that, as far as Erik the Boyfriend is concerned, he doesn't really follow the Valentine's Day thing because, well, the goal is that EVERY day is Valentine's Day.

It's an odd year for me regardless. I don't really have anyone to pine over, and it's doing something to my head. Come to think of it, the only time I had any kind of "relationship" going on (or what resembles it, I won't bore you with the same old same old again), only once did it actually contain a Valentine's Day in there. Every other year there was always "Well, wouldn't it be nice if Soandsoita was interested" or "If only Whatshername wasn't with that assclown." This year? I'm just bored I guess. I had a friend-valentine but it's not the same. I mean, it's fun to think about someone and be a sneaky shifty ninja about how to do something nice for them, but it just isn't the same. It can't be the same, by definition.

But, look, let's say there there was a holiday I'll call "Degree Day" and everyone who ever graduated from college gets to participate and becomes heir to love and affection and presents and everything and everyone else, in contrast, is a loser. That wouldn't be cool, now would it? How about "Gates Day" where everone with a net worth over $1 Billion gets to party and give and get presents and celebrate how great life has been to them while everyone else? Meh.

I came home tonight to an empty house. And it felt sad. That's something I'm going to have to actually look forward to in the future, as I'm on my single bedroom quest. I had to get something from my brother's room and the room was filled - quite literally - with balloons I had to knock out of the way to grab my headphones. I don't rub people's noses in THEIR shortcomings.

In the end it's easy to redirect it towards myself. As in what's wrong with ME. Or like I'm just some kind of dancing monkey that people, sure, can appreciate and toss a nickel into the hat for, but nobody would want to take home because we all know "MONKEY HATE CLEAN."

If there was ever a time I just needed a kiss this is it. Nothing obscene, just a grab my head so I don't freak out and give a simple "you're ok" kiss. And even if I'm not ok, it's a "just feel better" moment. However you're feeling, feel better. Ever have one of those?