Nothing

I am missing picture 185 from X-Change 3. I don't use walkthroughs, but I think I've been pretty complete in exploiting every single exploration path in the game. Since I don't keep good notes I'll never know what I didn't do. I'm missing ONE pic from 100%.

This disturbs me.

Also, it turns out that game was CENSORED. They removed a chibi character (for fear of Pedophilia attack, I guess), and removed blood and tears from a rape scene (because we wouldn't want the rape of a virgin to be, you know, VIOLENT *rolleyes*). Then I think for a moment and recall the old days of Hentai. When the subtitles in La Blue Girl say Miko Mido is 18 but the Japanese voice over says she's 16. When scenes are removed from just about everything they released here. While Peach Princess (not to be confused with Princess Peach) is the only game in town translating and releasing bishoujo games, it's gonna be that way. And don't give me crap about how Jast and G-Collections and the other three companies are competitors: it's all the SAME company owned or joint ventured by J-List. I wonder what kind of tax shenanigans are going on to require so many "different" companies? As long as that's the defacto standard then there's no REASON for any companies to take risks.

Do YOU know Japanese? Can YOU redraw naughty bits (obviously, that would be a different YOU unless you're extra talented)? Talk to me, yo. *TURNTABLES IN MY EYES*

I'm also ONE song away from beating Guitar Hero on Expert. Bark at the Moon. Ahhhh... so close and yet so far.

Beatmania? For some reason I havn't played it all week. Mostly because all the time at a keyboard at work banging at it like a money at a typewriter. For some reason I've been compelled to play Zelda Ocarina of Time. I might want to beat it this time.

The controls in that game are SO unrefined. That bugs me and makes it downright frustrating to play. I think all the 3D Zelda games are overrated, with the exception of Windwaker. Not because it was much better, but people already hated it for it's look and not the content of the game. While the reasons may be different, it's not a "ZOMG AWESOME ZELDA *splooge*" moment for the fanboys and fangirls.

Oh well.

(I heard a sample of Get Ready 2 Rokk from Freezepop from Guitar Hero on iTunes. It sounds SO different. I'm not sure which is better, though.)

Roundabout

Looks like I'm not going to get any support from my web host. Which is unfortunate. I managed to dig up a telephone number through Paypal but it doesn't work. And evidently my payment is too old to be contested. I figured reversing the charge would "wake them up." But that's kind of like demanding an officer's badge number when they pull you over before they say a word. That starts EVERYTHING off on the wrong note.

If I did that I'm sure the next move would have been to disconnect my space, park the domain, and maybe send some Canadian mobsters down to break my kneecaps.

I got around it, though. I wrote my own file uploader. It's a bit crappier than the official one since I can't really specify which directory to upload in (and while I *could* memorize a bunch of esoteric paths, um, no). And I still have to login to that file manager to move the files to the right place and set permissions and everything it's not a replacement. But I can still get things done.

The neat thing is that if you go to that page and you're not using any of the computers on my home network it won't let you in. Worse, it will "fake" a 404. So if you wanted to take a guess at the page that presents that form you'll never find it.

RAR!

And, without further ado... the full song, featuring two aptly-placed "don't fuck it up"'s. :D

 > Link < 

Positive Predictive Value

PPV is a technical term in statistics for tests. Accuracy, technically speaking, is simply what percentage of the time a test will give a positive result when that which is being tested is true.

Example: if I can eat a bowl of Cocoa Pebbles within 60 days of pouring it, then Pamela Anderson has Hepatitis-C.

It's a retarded test, but, look, I can usually polish off a box of Cocoa Pebbles in a day if I really worked at it. And even then I wouldn't unless I was in a "race" to prevent my brother from eating it all before I do. (That's sibling logic, you know.)

Logically speaking, "I can eat a bowl of Cocoa Pebbles within 60 days of pouring it" is P and "Pamela Anderson has Hepatitis-C" is Q.

if P then Q.

Note that if P is not true for whatever reason, then it doesn't matter what Q is. At all. The whole statement is true. If P then Q. If (something false) then (Q doesn't matter because P never happened.)

So that's Statistics and Computational Logic in one post. Don't say I never taught you anything.

-- PHASE 2 --

As predicted, I've already gotten a full combo with a AA grade on "Timo Maas - First Day" in Hyper 7-key Beatmania. It's only a 3 star, true, but the song is already on my top 10 songs for MY life.

If that's isn't a fucking emo statement I don't know what is.

I havn't really picked all 10 songs, though. So far I've got two. I have a theory that for all 10 phases in a persons' life, there is a song. In no particular order:

Fischerspooner - We Need a War
Bellanova - Tus Ojos

So now I've got three. This pleases me. That means I've got 7 phases left in my life. Not too shabby.

-- PHASE 3 --

Here's a secret. I'm going to cosplay at Yasumicon.

**** ZOMG SHOCKER TOTAL ONE HAND WITH ALL FINGERS EXTENDED EXCEPT THE RING FINGER ****

Actually, no, not a complete costume. I'd call it "prop-play" for now. It's a total secret. It's a really fan-fucking-tastic idea that will probably be stolen by many, many people so I'll tell you privately if you remind me to tell you about it. I'm really excited. I'm going to have a lot of fun.

...

I said... "I'M GOING TO HAVE A LOT OF FUN." So help me!!!

-- PHASE 93 --

Currently:

A. Wanting to become a robot-equivalent Beatmania player, laughing in the face of those who say I shouldn't play the keys with one hand. *SCOFF*

B. Playing X-Change 3. Yeah yeah, bishoujo game. Yeah yeah, eroge. Yeah yeah, outright porn game. But I'm having fun with it. Just because I can get ahold of just about any commercially released software title ever for free, doesn't mean I don't buy a game or two. And the ones which have fortune enough for me to purchase enjoy a special spot in my play schedule. My only complaint: this dude turns into a girl and SHE'S FUCKING RAPED LIKE TWICE A DAY. Jeez... I never knew being a woman was so dangerous. Although, yeah, I'd still give it a whirl for a week if I were given the chance. Think that makes me gay?! Well.... NO U!!! (ha ha, I'm wearing my +6 Hat of Wittiness.)

C. Working on my hand-crafted Yasumicon prop. Trust me, damnit, it's GOOD. I think it's highly likely I'm going to obtain a few groupies because of it. And to think I won't even have to dress up like some bishonen to get that reaction. I really want to get a room there (it'd just be one) for storage and convenience, but I don't know if I'll be able to afford it considering I have no disposable money left thanks to my car issues and the $800 "SURPRISE" from being betrayed.

D. I havn't forgotten that model. It's pinned (but not glued) and waiting for filling before I can prime and paint. I'm waiting on a respirator I ordered last month, and possibly for the mosquitos to go extinct before I get somewhere with enough ventilation to do this safely. Oh, and, um, not coat every surface within a 50 meter radius with Golden Color paints. It's ok, I really wanted the nude catgirl and it's not even going to be ready until August so....

E. Guitar Hero emulator. Yeah! I wanna give that a shot. Mostly because there is one in production but it's in JAVA. *shudder* Besides, I've got a BGM track of the Megaman 2 theme in one WAV and the guitar riffs in another WAV and they line up with absolute precision. I'll probably take the guitar track and chop it up into separate samples so I can do misses, or just deflect the whole track. It depends on how well I can adapt the FMOD library to my nefarious purposes. It's a big job and I honestly don't think I'll ever finish it to a point where it'll be as clean as Stepmania. But I mostly want to do that Megaman 2 proof-of-concept.

F. Sleep. Sometime. Preferrably now.

Curse of the Pagans

Sunday night I hear a "breaking" noise and then a grinding noise from my car. I cut my night short and go home to do something basic. I figure something got caught in the calipers that's making a noise, and since there's enough room for something to go into there then there's not enough meat on my pads.

I go home, where I have spare brake pads for JUST such an occasion. I lift my car, pop the wheel off and look. Hmmm... kinda thin, but no rock or anything jammed. I go to the cabinet where I have my pads and... hmm... where'd they go?

I look EVERYWHERE in the garage. I go ballistic. If there's one thing I'm tired of is people going through my stuff. And if that's not enough, the abject lack of respect for my stuff. It's not yours: why not just keep it where it is? I'm convinced it was tossed by my "loving" mother or my "everything is shit" father, first out of spite, second out of frustration. In my tirade I go over how inconsiderate everyone is and how I don't bother ANYONE but they just come out to me to cause problems.

I call work, I cannot have the day off tomorrow to fix things. Evidently someone I work with got a hair up his ass about how much vacation time I was given considering how much sick time I get. Well, you know, I can't help being sick. I'm really stressed at work and deserved the time off. Besides, a well rested programmer is just more effective. Period.

Anyway, my boss can't give me the day off because HIS boss is already "watching" me. Hmmm. He said try to come in anyway and if you have a disaster on the road at least I'll be able to produce documentation of it. Now that I recall this conversation, I'm wondering "well, what if I had a REALLY BAD accident?!" But I didn't even consider it at the time.

So this morning I go to work. I don't think twice about it. I mean, I gotta do what I gotta do. But, on that vein, I go on KROME to work. Ya, I guess you could call me a little dumb.

So when I tap on the brakes and feel the car trying to rotate to the left I think "gee, that's enough convincing" I pull over. I look at the wheel that was feeling weird and I see this glitter powder all over it. Attack of the stripper babes? No, attack of the ROTOR BEING GROUND DOWN.

Fine Underwear Cleans Kittens.

I flip open my cell and, oops, it's off. I turn it on and it lights up only to flash "NO BATTERY" on the screen and turn off. Hmmm... the thing got 3 days of standby when it was new. Now it's only two, huh? And it's not that I'm cheap or lazy, it's that the charge connector looks like it may encourage premature wear on the contacts. In hindsight that was pretty dumb, too.

The thing about Krome Ave is that after 8th street going north, there's really nothing around you to orient yourself. I could have walked further forward, but the best I could do is a group of ranch houses and a highway that's, for all intents and purposes, in the middle of nowhere. So I double back and start walking to the indian resort in the hopes that someone can give me a lift.

Pro Tip (TM): Fat male hitchhikers do not get picked up.

I also didn't have a towel with me so maybe that's it. Anyway, cars blazed by at 75+ mph. A police car even whizzed by me. Thanks, pigs.

My shoulders felt like they were going to light themselves on fire with the massive sunburning they got. By the time I actually GOT to Miccosukkee, only THEN does someone ask if everything's ok. I wanted to punch him, but, meh, at least I can't say NOBODY helped me.

So I picked up a payphone and called for help. At 50 cents. Jeez, when did payphones get so expensive? A wrecker came to me and we rode up Krome and picked up my car and took it to who knows where. It was a shitty looking shop at least.

Now, I'm really nervous about shops. I'm convinced every time you take it in to fix one thing they summon the seeds of destruction to cause more things to go wrong later. They told me my rotors were too gouged to be resurfaced (future travelling: my brother looked at them and said they'll probably be ok). So I agreed to new rotors and pads and all that. Then the rotors weren't in stock at the supply so they had to order it. Needless to say it was a long day.

Also my web host is STILL fucking stupid. I've given them the last 24 hours to fix my immediate problem. Then I can just sit out the rest of the year (March, pfft) and then move when the time is up. I really don't want to abandon my service with so much time left but what good is service without service? I can't get any of my fucking stuff done. Plus, I "sort of" can't afford to buy new hosting right now. "Sort of" as in I really don't want to pay it because my comfortable safety net will need to be pulled in a little, but I will if I HAVE to. Fucking Canucks.

Not only that but I've finally given up on ever getting my left bag from Jennifer. She probably sold the contents for more drugs or candy or whatever the fuck she spends her money on (it sure as hell isn't for an education or anything to better herself). Considering the insider sources are not able to confirm the True (sic) video iPod until 2007, and no word on a 8+ Gig Nano (which makes me totally wet thinking about), I gotta break down and buy the friggin' cable. Unless I never want to change what I carry on it (hint: I do). I'm just more upset than I was before. Sending it would have been a classy thing to do: but being more ASSY than CLASSY is what I can expect from that selfish child. So sad: that bag even had my favorite condoms in there. I had all the souls in my saved game for Castlevania Dawn of Sorrow. I might have even had a Mewtwo in that Pokemon cartridge. Heh, now I'm just playing "shopping cart" with the insurance company. No, it's not convered by any insurance I know. But I have been robbed before and when you're robbed you fill out the insurance claims going "well, how many reams of paper did I have before they stole them all?"

Meanwhile, I'm curious if she and her wiccan drug dealer roommate have "cursed" me. It's intriguing to think about for maybe a few minutes, then...

I go back to playing Beatmania. I never knew why I was so scared of 7 key. Well, when I had my controller hooked up to my computer for mixwaver, all those 7-key charts were just IMPOSSIBLE to play. Sort of how like fan stepcharts never have anything other than "HEAVY" in them. I mean, I'm starting out slow but so far I've passed every 1 star with a full combo (most with AA), passed every 2 star with an A or better (full combo about half and even one AAA), and passed every 3 star attempted so far (C or better, meh, it takes time). Given some time I think I can be pretty f'in' good with this. I'm anxious to get my controller out of storage and give some doubles play some love.

It doesn't matter how much hate they throw at me. I'll be ok. I've got love on my side.

And macaroni and cheese. You know, Love, Macaroni, and Cheese.

Pussy Galore

For the record, I don't like her much.

It's not that there's anything WRONG with her. It's just that she's not my type. Or, at least, she's not the type of gal I'd want to be my girlfriend.

She's a party girl. The answer to "What's your story?" over sushi was "I love America." Nice patriotism, but, I was expecting to hear "I want to be a screenwriter someday" or even "I was expatriated due to my plotting against Vasquez." You know, something interesting.

She's just an average young woman in Miami. Young, dumb, and full of cum. Well, maybe not the last one. I mean, maybe not the last one. She definitely seemed like she was not putting out at all. The entitlement mentality. Pfft.

I'm too complicated for a dumb person to appreciate.

Pfft. Labels.

So I'd been thinking a girlfriend might be useful. Well, not to make it sound like just something I outta go pick up at Publix (...), but I'd been thinking about it for a few days.

Sam put me in a bit of the mindset, but what's really sending it home is this Christina chick. I've mentioned it before, but the rules change at strip clubs. The entire game just gets turned upside it's head and that makes it very curious. If I were Douglas Adams I might call this a "Way Of The World Inverter Field" generated by the cheezy neon lights and bad DJing and loads of $1 bills. But I'm not him so I'll ignore that.

Truth is I don't go there to get laid or meet women to date or anything. If it was I'd never go back. When I want drinks, don't want to be alone, but want to be EMOTIONALLY alone, there is a perfect place. Any of the, frankly, beautiful women that approach me for chit chat and offer services are doing it just because of a job and I know this. It's that knowledge which helps maintain a "professional" difference even when she's sitting on my clothed cock.

I've been back there at least twice already, and I'm contemplating another time tonight before I resume work tomorrow.

Anyway, that story goes that one stripper, supposedly "new", on her first night on the job, met me and "likes" me. I don't know why. I wasn't especially nice to her. I didn't tip her more than I would tip anyone else. I didn't do anything to warrant it.

So due to this my warning lights are even more lit up than normal. Location, what I did (and, more importantly, didn't do), etc. She asked me for my number first, she says I make her happy (wuh? how'd I do that?).

And for all the warnings and cautions, I'm curious to see where it goes, what it amounts to. Is it a trick for extra money? Maybe. But I'm not going to spend money on her just to be nice. Is it a trick to win my heart? To what end? See point #1. Sex with a stripper? Meh... my theory is that good looking girls don't have to try that hard to please their men and, therefore, don't. And she's absolutely drop dead GORGEOUS. Total eyecandy. Not the prettiest girl I've ever seen, and she's got fake boobs (huge minus points), but, well, yeah. Very very pretty.

Stripper GIRLFRIEND though? Now that's quite something. Walk down the road with all the men staring all jealous, all the women staring and wondering what I've got because, sister, it ain't on the outside. Bragging rights would last for maybe 9 months or so.

I'm bad at making girlfriends, I'll confess. So, I suppose anything that will up my numbers will help on the scorecard.

Then I saw a link. It's quite funny. Check it out: So You Want to Date a Stripper?

I don't care. I could use a distracting force in my life. Which means, for the record, it's not that I'm too dumb to know what she's trying to do, it's that I want to see her try and witness it. You know, for science and shit.

Moods

Considering how I'm feeling right now compared to a week ago, I guess I'm feeling better. I wonder if it will ever get back to the way it was before my trip.

EMO EMO EMO

Anywho, I found this extremely amusing, so, I guess that's gotta count for something.

 > Link < 

Requiem

So, ok, you want a story. I'll give you one. WARNING: This is very "tl;dr" material. I won't feel bad. Just get your sandwich NOW.

Jenny. I am just so so so sad about this I just can't provide words for it. I mean, there are more.

Samantha is a part of my past now, which is a very interesting story filled with rage on my part (mostly because you don't know the WHOLE story about the lesbian turned bisexual) somewhat similar to how Linda worked out.

Diana is also "officially" out of my life. If she's not even going to so much as say/write/anything to me then I'm not going to give her the benefit of claiming ME as a friend and therefore cleaning up her reputation. I can't figure out what happened there: she's a vault. Hell, maybe she's mad I didn't even TRY to make out with her last time we went out to eat like two months ago, or that I didn't try to fuck her when she was massaging my crotch with her leg in the dead of night. Yes I let her sleep IN MY FUCKING BED. I was trying to be nice. Pfft.

Anywho, Jen. Now she's been living in California for, whew, years and years now. She used to be within walking distance from my house. While those days are obviously over, it's interesting that so are the days of spending time with her like I did. Things started to go blatantly downhill at AX. I was in a bad mood regarding Sam (shuddap, I'll tell you later, chill nigga) and I was just all fat and sassy. Saying short remarks, being negative, you know, the fun stuff. Now this girl's got a habit that she's done for AGES now that I think about it but only recently have I been in a "I don't kiss ass for nobody" mindset. She likes to jump, squeeze, dive, limbo, ANYTHING through objects and people to cut lines and obstacles. She's a certified systems disruptor and I HATE it. I never realized how much I hated it until she kept doing it to me left and right at Anime Expo.

EXAGGERATED REVIEW:
Line starts 50 yards away. She'll jump and get to that end of the line through the crowd of walking people by running, pushing people out of the way, jumping over them Matrix style, dispatching Kill Bill style.

Ok, that's not quite the thing. But, meanwhile, I'm a mature well adjusted individual that realizes that the savings in time by throwing a few kids onto the floor isn't worth the trouble. So we're walking together and she gets into something and she does some goddamn acrobatics and gets involved in it while my fat ass stays put and ploddles along. By the time this cycle gets going all I'm doing is following her around.

FUCK that. I wanna see stuff I'M into. So obviously we keep getting separated because she doesn't get the hint.

Now, as you know me by now, here's how I deal with these issues. First few times: ignore it. Is it really that big a deal? Next few times, make increasingly poiniant remarks about it: the subject should start feeling self conscious enough to do it. So one part I wanted something to eat and I made a snarky remark about it. I had already mentioned it to her TWICE, in kind terms, to cut that shit out because I'm not jumping through lines and backflipping past barricades just because she is. I don't really remember what I said, exactly. But I think it was made extra sharp with the annoyed look on her face when I didn't grab the two people that got in line ahead of me (and would have been ahead of her if she joined it correctly) and flip them onto the pavement. I didn't think anything of it but her friend called her while I was snacking and we went off to find him. She spotted him in the distance and ran off, leaving me alone to walk to his location.

That was pretty annoying, too. She didn't do a fucking 100-meter-dash when I showed my face coming out of the security checkpoint at the airport where she picked me up. Now before you say jealousy, she calls me "her best friend". Forget about that claim's legitimacy. So I wander over and it was like I was watching TV or something. They conversed amongst themselves and I was just on the outside looking in.

All day I'd been talking about how I wanted to go to the Mario Kart tournament and the Guitar Hero tournament. When paired between anime and video games, to me, video games edges out slightly. It mostly depends on the anime. Most anime lately just doesn't grip me. It started going that way when Dragon Ball Z was really insanely popular. I just didn't get it.

So 4pm started to come and I said I wanted to go to it. All they were doing is playing "Yay or Nay" on whether some cosplaying fangirls were fuck-worthy. Snore. Hey everyone, let's play a game where we objectify and judge others by looks alone! JAW-ESOME. -.- I said that and she just looked blank, like how dare I drag her away from her friend. So I shoved off.

Fast forward to later that evening, I call her and ask where she is and she's on the tram going back to the hotel. She comes back and is in tears about how mean I was to her. I was shocked because (a) I really didn't think I was that mean and (b) she was the one pushing me aside and just not mattering to her like second banana all day. She said she wanted to go see her boyfriend and I told her to do it. I mostly wanted to shove her away because maybe she needed to get laid. What did I do? Nothing. Wha-eva. Friendships are give and take.

That night I was woken up by a text message asking if her boyfriend could come to AX the next day. I said yes. I felt guilty, somehow. It's remarkable that I DID feel guilty. I forgot all my "girl-logic" lessons and ignored that some girls like you to feel guilty.

Next morning I woke up at 6am. Another detail is that I've had a LOT of trouble staying asleep in California. I think it had something to do with the low humidity. Anyway, I didn't know what happened to her so I just jerked around in my hotel room (not literally) for a few hours until she called saying she was downstairs to checkout. So I left and she was there being all carinioso with her boyfriend. I'm not stranger to this: I'm USED to that. No problem, no harm no foul. Really.

Except...

... just days prior she told me how annoying he was, how smothering he is, how sometimes she'd wish he'd just back off.

Hmm.

So we go and I'm having trouble trying to say anything really. He said "I was in a better mood" and I took offense to that. He's presuming to know me only by what Jenny has told him. Ex-military arrogant son of a bitch. Right up her alley. It's hard to support the troops when you get "shining" examples like her boyfriend Ian and her drug dealer roommate Jason who, among the first impression stage, proudly waved a stolen credit card and wanted to discuss ways to use it.

At AX again she was going through line with him to register and kinda shunted me off and away. So I left. At this point I still don't care and I wasn't eager to stand in a line again. When though some sloppy contact via phone I ran into her at the artists' gallery and she was fawning over everything bunny related and Ian was just letting her have her fun. Again it was like I wasn't even there. I was looking through an art display folder and they wandered off. Now this time they started a game of ditching me and making me play catchup. EXCEPT that I didn't intentionally ditch her when I went to the MKDS tournament. They were doing it intentionally. And I don't think it was him, I didn't get the impression he was like that. I have no doubt that, to some extent, some degree, in her mind, she was thinking "heh heh, now Erik knows how it feels" even though I already appologized. She's vengeful like that.

So I took a hint and got lost. I didn't see her again for a few hours, after I had discovered the joys of the booze trucks at the expo. Jacon could sure take a lesson from that. I recoil at the thought of paying $2.50 for 24 oz of water, but I don't have any qualms about paying $7 for a 10 oz cocktail. So I'm at the arcade playing Beatmania drunk off my ass (and doing surprisingly well considering it was doubles and songs I'd never played before) being totally flirty with some DJ fangirls (for the record, no, I don't DJ, but after hearing a "spin demo" I know I could totally do that and not break a sweat). She finds me and tells me she's leaving site to change. Well, ok.

Hours go by. HOURS. The expo floor closed and I was bored and I was going from happy drunk to sad drunk. I was tired, being up since 6am, I felt so unimportant to Jenny. I mean, we both take different things from the con, but she didn't seem to be in any hurry to see me. And when she did, she wasn't overjoyed to see me. I flew an ungodly distance to be there with her. She would have gone to AX regardless of whether I was there or not. That realization plus her behavior towards me just got me upset. She did return, however, changed. She found me and I looked into her eyes. Oh dear. She hit a tab of E.

And she told me to look at her eyes. Like, proud and shit.

(background)
When we fought two years ago, a big deal of it was that I just didn't trust her then-boyfriend and current roommate. He was dragging her into a world that I didn't want for her. NOW, yes, it's not my decision. But if you care for someone you want them to be the best they can be. I'd be as upset if she decided to whore herself out. I mean, I believe in people's rights to choose what they want in so far that I SHOULDN'T be able to FORCE HER into not doing it.

Fast forward to this trip. She was looking for something and showed me a pill she stashed. Ok, the first sign of addiction is hiding a stash for just-in-case. Then later on we went back to pack for the con hotel and roommate picked up some pills and showed her. We were talking about something, but that was second string to OOOOH ECSTACY!. She really dropped everything to look at them, started arguing with him over vintages and shit. And him? He didn't even know what was in them. He was going to eat some to find out. So much for knowing what it is before you put it into you. Now, the medical field cuts their medications with things like dextrose and cornstarch. Inert, harmless things to stamp tablets with the medication. These? I got all sorts of answers. I know people mix other things into it, speed, coke, viagra, meth. But the thing is HE DIDN'T KNOW. At that point I felt so scared for her. I was curious at what an effective dose of MDMA is but then I didn't even bother to ask because I knew I wouldn't get a straight mg/kg answer. Fuck my chemist perfectionist self.

Look, d00ds, there are some things I'm a blatant libertarian about. Drugs is one of them. But it stems from the belief that people can make informed decisions about their lives. That's hardly informed.

And all the while she's been telling me about how much of a mess her house is. And then it became clear. Druggies. She lives in a drug house. The dealer roommate gets stuff delivered there, people come to buy stuff from him and stick around to use there, too.

I imagine that house from Pulp Fiction.

Anyway, he called it too. He made a joke that she was thinking about eating some pills and I glance over at Jenny. I know her pretty well but, damnit, he was right. She was stroking her hands in that distinctive manner, her eyes were locked on them, mouth slightly open in wanton desire. I had a big chilling thing go over me. When I was asked if I wanted to try it I always gave a disclaimer "only if I feel safe." I didn't feel safe. There wasn't a goddamned thing anyone could do to make me feel safe around her and Jason. I felt really glad we were going to AX so I could forget this for now.

JUMPING AROUND FOR FUN

Back to the con, she found me sitting on some rooftop stairs like an emofag. Note the Guitar Hero tourney was that night and I was skipping it. This is an IMPORTANT DETAIL. I was tired and I asked if we were going to check in to the little tokyo hotel. I was in a mood for some good katsudon and the place I checked into would provide some coupons for heavily discounted spa things. I needed a massage. She asked if I needed to leave NOW or if I wanted to go to a panel with her. I said I would go to the panel. We went and she held my hand into cutting into the line where we met up with some of her friends.

Now she was in raver gear and rolling and in line and everything for about 10 minutes so far and not once did I get a "how are you feeling, Erik?" or "why aren't you at the GH tournament because of how much you talked about it?" or anything. They were all too busy talking about drugs and people they knew. It was high school all over again. I was outside the clique. I gave up trying to relate and whipped out the DS and returned to my happy place.

She didn't pick up on it. She curled next to me and cuddled me and told me she was feeling better. I was glad but... this was the first time she cuddled or hugged or showed any affection towards me. I had been affectionate with her when I arrived from the airport and dinner and things but it's always been me, not her, initiating. And the reason for her sudden caring?

DRUGS. The sensory amplification, alone, made me worth hugging. Made me worth cuddling. I told her I wasn't having a good time, to which she didn't say anything and scooted back to her boyfriend.

The line started to go into the panel and she did the same goddamn running like an idiot thing. Now, you run and people follow suit because they think there's a reason to run. All in all the expo staffers packseated everyone in and I didn't get to sit with their party. She sent me text messages saying she was sorry, but I knew she wasn't. She was there in her element. New friends, new interests, new everything. She didn't skip a beat. I was a fish out of water.

We left the panel early and we started walking. I figured she parked her car in a free hotel garage and before I knew it I was being told to check my bag. I was going to a rave. For the 2 hours I was sitting around them not once did I hear the words "today" or "tonight" combined with "rave". I didn't hear "after this" and "rave". I didn't hear "Sunday" and "rave". I wasn't introduced as "these people are going to a rave, wanna come?" It was just ASSUMED I wanted to go. I might have been up for it a day earlier before she had her hissy fit, but I was just not amused. They were all drugged out, I didn't feel confident in being there, I wanted to leave. I told her I wasn't aware we were going today and I wasn't asked. She said I gave her a blanket approval when I came back.

Which I guess is true. I did give a blanket approval to be game for pretty much anything on my vacation. BUT that's before I knew she was going to be a bitch towards me. That's BEFORE I thought she was going to treat me like a pet instead of her friend. That was before she made gesture after gesture of bad faith towards me that I, badly enough, took and accepted and turned the other cheek on.

I told her I wanted to check into the hotel because I wasn't feeling well. She said "But I really want to be here!"

With that, my soul shattered. Any caring I had for her left just shattered and fell to the ground in shards. Raves: it's what she DOES. Every weekend. Yet she claims she only does drugs once a month. I find it highly unlikely, and for how often and loudly she proclaims that I know it's not true.

Like, I've got vices. I like porn. I like strippers. If we were hanging out and I wanted to go to a strip club and she didn't and protested, if I said "but I really want to go!" she'd be upset. She ought to be. It's not like I NEVER go to those places (after all, Tabitha is kewl and is part of the reason I keep going back: thanks to her heavy handed pouring). It's not like I was asking her to abandon a once-in-a-lifetime event. She didn't even have to cancel it. She could have taken me there and come back: she wasn't even planning to stay with me that night anyway.

I asked her to take me to her car so I can grab my fucking stuff.

What I didn't know is that they shut off the ATM machines in the area. Cabfare to Little Tokyo from where we were is about $80. I had $20 in my pocket. Public transportation? I grabbed a map and plotted a course which would have worked well except they stopped working at midnight. Conveniently, it was after midnight.

Stranded.

I walked around a bit, checked the arcade room, watched some anime in a viewing room, you know. 24 hour con goings. They wouldn't let me sleep though. About 3am I was totally sleep deprived and after a few appologetic text messages to her phone I started laying it on her. That she sold me out for drugs and a party. That she doesn't care how much I sacrificed to be there with her. That she's selfish. That there wasn't one thing I could name that she's done for me lately.

She really really hurt me. This was the girl who, back in the day, fought to get me to go to Grad Nite. She fought to get me to walk in our high school graduation. I didn't want to do either, but to see her do that it made me want to. She used to fight for me, she used to be on my side. And now? Everything in her life seems to take priority over me. And that may be the case but if I'm there on vacation, sinking $800 into travel and room alone (not counting incidental expenses: parking, food, entertainment), then, damnit, make ME a priority!

So I stayed awake all night, grabbed the first $100 out of the ATM the guy filled it with and got a cab to LA. I didn't feel like using the spa coupon. I didn't feel like eating Japanese food anymore. I didn't feel like doing anything, really. I just sat in my room moping about, watching HBO. I plotted my return trip back. I chose to go first class because the $800 total for the ticket was cheaper than a room on short notice during a holiday and leaving coach the next day. It was kinda cool, but I didn't enjoy it as much as I could have.

And here I am. She still has one of my bags at her place. It's got some clothes, my favorite shorts, my massage oil, some condoms, my old phone and its charger, Advance Wars DS, Pokemon Fire Red, Castlevania Double Pack (as you can tell, it's a long f'ing plane ride), my ipod cable, my print from Cutepet and some other things I can't think of right now. I paypal'd her $20 to send it back to me. I'm curious if she actually will.

I mean, that's all replaceable. I'm already out nearly $1000 more than I thought I'd spend on this vacation just to get out of there and solve the problems she caused. I could buy another notebook computer case and I don't really need my phone and I could buy those games again and get my saves back to their prior points without a lot of hassle (it might be enjoyable, too) and I was thinking about getting another ipod anyway. But I also know she's a vengeful person.

She probably knows I'm right too but is too proud to admit it, while her friends are willing to kiss her ass and take her side because they don't even KNOW me.

I just wish it was different.