Requiem

So, ok, you want a story. I'll give you one. WARNING: This is very "tl;dr" material. I won't feel bad. Just get your sandwich NOW.

Jenny. I am just so so so sad about this I just can't provide words for it. I mean, there are more.

Samantha is a part of my past now, which is a very interesting story filled with rage on my part (mostly because you don't know the WHOLE story about the lesbian turned bisexual) somewhat similar to how Linda worked out.

Diana is also "officially" out of my life. If she's not even going to so much as say/write/anything to me then I'm not going to give her the benefit of claiming ME as a friend and therefore cleaning up her reputation. I can't figure out what happened there: she's a vault. Hell, maybe she's mad I didn't even TRY to make out with her last time we went out to eat like two months ago, or that I didn't try to fuck her when she was massaging my crotch with her leg in the dead of night. Yes I let her sleep IN MY FUCKING BED. I was trying to be nice. Pfft.

Anywho, Jen. Now she's been living in California for, whew, years and years now. She used to be within walking distance from my house. While those days are obviously over, it's interesting that so are the days of spending time with her like I did. Things started to go blatantly downhill at AX. I was in a bad mood regarding Sam (shuddap, I'll tell you later, chill nigga) and I was just all fat and sassy. Saying short remarks, being negative, you know, the fun stuff. Now this girl's got a habit that she's done for AGES now that I think about it but only recently have I been in a "I don't kiss ass for nobody" mindset. She likes to jump, squeeze, dive, limbo, ANYTHING through objects and people to cut lines and obstacles. She's a certified systems disruptor and I HATE it. I never realized how much I hated it until she kept doing it to me left and right at Anime Expo.

EXAGGERATED REVIEW:
Line starts 50 yards away. She'll jump and get to that end of the line through the crowd of walking people by running, pushing people out of the way, jumping over them Matrix style, dispatching Kill Bill style.

Ok, that's not quite the thing. But, meanwhile, I'm a mature well adjusted individual that realizes that the savings in time by throwing a few kids onto the floor isn't worth the trouble. So we're walking together and she gets into something and she does some goddamn acrobatics and gets involved in it while my fat ass stays put and ploddles along. By the time this cycle gets going all I'm doing is following her around.

FUCK that. I wanna see stuff I'M into. So obviously we keep getting separated because she doesn't get the hint.

Now, as you know me by now, here's how I deal with these issues. First few times: ignore it. Is it really that big a deal? Next few times, make increasingly poiniant remarks about it: the subject should start feeling self conscious enough to do it. So one part I wanted something to eat and I made a snarky remark about it. I had already mentioned it to her TWICE, in kind terms, to cut that shit out because I'm not jumping through lines and backflipping past barricades just because she is. I don't really remember what I said, exactly. But I think it was made extra sharp with the annoyed look on her face when I didn't grab the two people that got in line ahead of me (and would have been ahead of her if she joined it correctly) and flip them onto the pavement. I didn't think anything of it but her friend called her while I was snacking and we went off to find him. She spotted him in the distance and ran off, leaving me alone to walk to his location.

That was pretty annoying, too. She didn't do a fucking 100-meter-dash when I showed my face coming out of the security checkpoint at the airport where she picked me up. Now before you say jealousy, she calls me "her best friend". Forget about that claim's legitimacy. So I wander over and it was like I was watching TV or something. They conversed amongst themselves and I was just on the outside looking in.

All day I'd been talking about how I wanted to go to the Mario Kart tournament and the Guitar Hero tournament. When paired between anime and video games, to me, video games edges out slightly. It mostly depends on the anime. Most anime lately just doesn't grip me. It started going that way when Dragon Ball Z was really insanely popular. I just didn't get it.

So 4pm started to come and I said I wanted to go to it. All they were doing is playing "Yay or Nay" on whether some cosplaying fangirls were fuck-worthy. Snore. Hey everyone, let's play a game where we objectify and judge others by looks alone! JAW-ESOME. -.- I said that and she just looked blank, like how dare I drag her away from her friend. So I shoved off.

Fast forward to later that evening, I call her and ask where she is and she's on the tram going back to the hotel. She comes back and is in tears about how mean I was to her. I was shocked because (a) I really didn't think I was that mean and (b) she was the one pushing me aside and just not mattering to her like second banana all day. She said she wanted to go see her boyfriend and I told her to do it. I mostly wanted to shove her away because maybe she needed to get laid. What did I do? Nothing. Wha-eva. Friendships are give and take.

That night I was woken up by a text message asking if her boyfriend could come to AX the next day. I said yes. I felt guilty, somehow. It's remarkable that I DID feel guilty. I forgot all my "girl-logic" lessons and ignored that some girls like you to feel guilty.

Next morning I woke up at 6am. Another detail is that I've had a LOT of trouble staying asleep in California. I think it had something to do with the low humidity. Anyway, I didn't know what happened to her so I just jerked around in my hotel room (not literally) for a few hours until she called saying she was downstairs to checkout. So I left and she was there being all carinioso with her boyfriend. I'm not stranger to this: I'm USED to that. No problem, no harm no foul. Really.

Except...

... just days prior she told me how annoying he was, how smothering he is, how sometimes she'd wish he'd just back off.

Hmm.

So we go and I'm having trouble trying to say anything really. He said "I was in a better mood" and I took offense to that. He's presuming to know me only by what Jenny has told him. Ex-military arrogant son of a bitch. Right up her alley. It's hard to support the troops when you get "shining" examples like her boyfriend Ian and her drug dealer roommate Jason who, among the first impression stage, proudly waved a stolen credit card and wanted to discuss ways to use it.

At AX again she was going through line with him to register and kinda shunted me off and away. So I left. At this point I still don't care and I wasn't eager to stand in a line again. When though some sloppy contact via phone I ran into her at the artists' gallery and she was fawning over everything bunny related and Ian was just letting her have her fun. Again it was like I wasn't even there. I was looking through an art display folder and they wandered off. Now this time they started a game of ditching me and making me play catchup. EXCEPT that I didn't intentionally ditch her when I went to the MKDS tournament. They were doing it intentionally. And I don't think it was him, I didn't get the impression he was like that. I have no doubt that, to some extent, some degree, in her mind, she was thinking "heh heh, now Erik knows how it feels" even though I already appologized. She's vengeful like that.

So I took a hint and got lost. I didn't see her again for a few hours, after I had discovered the joys of the booze trucks at the expo. Jacon could sure take a lesson from that. I recoil at the thought of paying $2.50 for 24 oz of water, but I don't have any qualms about paying $7 for a 10 oz cocktail. So I'm at the arcade playing Beatmania drunk off my ass (and doing surprisingly well considering it was doubles and songs I'd never played before) being totally flirty with some DJ fangirls (for the record, no, I don't DJ, but after hearing a "spin demo" I know I could totally do that and not break a sweat). She finds me and tells me she's leaving site to change. Well, ok.

Hours go by. HOURS. The expo floor closed and I was bored and I was going from happy drunk to sad drunk. I was tired, being up since 6am, I felt so unimportant to Jenny. I mean, we both take different things from the con, but she didn't seem to be in any hurry to see me. And when she did, she wasn't overjoyed to see me. I flew an ungodly distance to be there with her. She would have gone to AX regardless of whether I was there or not. That realization plus her behavior towards me just got me upset. She did return, however, changed. She found me and I looked into her eyes. Oh dear. She hit a tab of E.

And she told me to look at her eyes. Like, proud and shit.

(background)
When we fought two years ago, a big deal of it was that I just didn't trust her then-boyfriend and current roommate. He was dragging her into a world that I didn't want for her. NOW, yes, it's not my decision. But if you care for someone you want them to be the best they can be. I'd be as upset if she decided to whore herself out. I mean, I believe in people's rights to choose what they want in so far that I SHOULDN'T be able to FORCE HER into not doing it.

Fast forward to this trip. She was looking for something and showed me a pill she stashed. Ok, the first sign of addiction is hiding a stash for just-in-case. Then later on we went back to pack for the con hotel and roommate picked up some pills and showed her. We were talking about something, but that was second string to OOOOH ECSTACY!. She really dropped everything to look at them, started arguing with him over vintages and shit. And him? He didn't even know what was in them. He was going to eat some to find out. So much for knowing what it is before you put it into you. Now, the medical field cuts their medications with things like dextrose and cornstarch. Inert, harmless things to stamp tablets with the medication. These? I got all sorts of answers. I know people mix other things into it, speed, coke, viagra, meth. But the thing is HE DIDN'T KNOW. At that point I felt so scared for her. I was curious at what an effective dose of MDMA is but then I didn't even bother to ask because I knew I wouldn't get a straight mg/kg answer. Fuck my chemist perfectionist self.

Look, d00ds, there are some things I'm a blatant libertarian about. Drugs is one of them. But it stems from the belief that people can make informed decisions about their lives. That's hardly informed.

And all the while she's been telling me about how much of a mess her house is. And then it became clear. Druggies. She lives in a drug house. The dealer roommate gets stuff delivered there, people come to buy stuff from him and stick around to use there, too.

I imagine that house from Pulp Fiction.

Anyway, he called it too. He made a joke that she was thinking about eating some pills and I glance over at Jenny. I know her pretty well but, damnit, he was right. She was stroking her hands in that distinctive manner, her eyes were locked on them, mouth slightly open in wanton desire. I had a big chilling thing go over me. When I was asked if I wanted to try it I always gave a disclaimer "only if I feel safe." I didn't feel safe. There wasn't a goddamned thing anyone could do to make me feel safe around her and Jason. I felt really glad we were going to AX so I could forget this for now.

JUMPING AROUND FOR FUN

Back to the con, she found me sitting on some rooftop stairs like an emofag. Note the Guitar Hero tourney was that night and I was skipping it. This is an IMPORTANT DETAIL. I was tired and I asked if we were going to check in to the little tokyo hotel. I was in a mood for some good katsudon and the place I checked into would provide some coupons for heavily discounted spa things. I needed a massage. She asked if I needed to leave NOW or if I wanted to go to a panel with her. I said I would go to the panel. We went and she held my hand into cutting into the line where we met up with some of her friends.

Now she was in raver gear and rolling and in line and everything for about 10 minutes so far and not once did I get a "how are you feeling, Erik?" or "why aren't you at the GH tournament because of how much you talked about it?" or anything. They were all too busy talking about drugs and people they knew. It was high school all over again. I was outside the clique. I gave up trying to relate and whipped out the DS and returned to my happy place.

She didn't pick up on it. She curled next to me and cuddled me and told me she was feeling better. I was glad but... this was the first time she cuddled or hugged or showed any affection towards me. I had been affectionate with her when I arrived from the airport and dinner and things but it's always been me, not her, initiating. And the reason for her sudden caring?

DRUGS. The sensory amplification, alone, made me worth hugging. Made me worth cuddling. I told her I wasn't having a good time, to which she didn't say anything and scooted back to her boyfriend.

The line started to go into the panel and she did the same goddamn running like an idiot thing. Now, you run and people follow suit because they think there's a reason to run. All in all the expo staffers packseated everyone in and I didn't get to sit with their party. She sent me text messages saying she was sorry, but I knew she wasn't. She was there in her element. New friends, new interests, new everything. She didn't skip a beat. I was a fish out of water.

We left the panel early and we started walking. I figured she parked her car in a free hotel garage and before I knew it I was being told to check my bag. I was going to a rave. For the 2 hours I was sitting around them not once did I hear the words "today" or "tonight" combined with "rave". I didn't hear "after this" and "rave". I didn't hear "Sunday" and "rave". I wasn't introduced as "these people are going to a rave, wanna come?" It was just ASSUMED I wanted to go. I might have been up for it a day earlier before she had her hissy fit, but I was just not amused. They were all drugged out, I didn't feel confident in being there, I wanted to leave. I told her I wasn't aware we were going today and I wasn't asked. She said I gave her a blanket approval when I came back.

Which I guess is true. I did give a blanket approval to be game for pretty much anything on my vacation. BUT that's before I knew she was going to be a bitch towards me. That's BEFORE I thought she was going to treat me like a pet instead of her friend. That was before she made gesture after gesture of bad faith towards me that I, badly enough, took and accepted and turned the other cheek on.

I told her I wanted to check into the hotel because I wasn't feeling well. She said "But I really want to be here!"

With that, my soul shattered. Any caring I had for her left just shattered and fell to the ground in shards. Raves: it's what she DOES. Every weekend. Yet she claims she only does drugs once a month. I find it highly unlikely, and for how often and loudly she proclaims that I know it's not true.

Like, I've got vices. I like porn. I like strippers. If we were hanging out and I wanted to go to a strip club and she didn't and protested, if I said "but I really want to go!" she'd be upset. She ought to be. It's not like I NEVER go to those places (after all, Tabitha is kewl and is part of the reason I keep going back: thanks to her heavy handed pouring). It's not like I was asking her to abandon a once-in-a-lifetime event. She didn't even have to cancel it. She could have taken me there and come back: she wasn't even planning to stay with me that night anyway.

I asked her to take me to her car so I can grab my fucking stuff.

What I didn't know is that they shut off the ATM machines in the area. Cabfare to Little Tokyo from where we were is about $80. I had $20 in my pocket. Public transportation? I grabbed a map and plotted a course which would have worked well except they stopped working at midnight. Conveniently, it was after midnight.

Stranded.

I walked around a bit, checked the arcade room, watched some anime in a viewing room, you know. 24 hour con goings. They wouldn't let me sleep though. About 3am I was totally sleep deprived and after a few appologetic text messages to her phone I started laying it on her. That she sold me out for drugs and a party. That she doesn't care how much I sacrificed to be there with her. That she's selfish. That there wasn't one thing I could name that she's done for me lately.

She really really hurt me. This was the girl who, back in the day, fought to get me to go to Grad Nite. She fought to get me to walk in our high school graduation. I didn't want to do either, but to see her do that it made me want to. She used to fight for me, she used to be on my side. And now? Everything in her life seems to take priority over me. And that may be the case but if I'm there on vacation, sinking $800 into travel and room alone (not counting incidental expenses: parking, food, entertainment), then, damnit, make ME a priority!

So I stayed awake all night, grabbed the first $100 out of the ATM the guy filled it with and got a cab to LA. I didn't feel like using the spa coupon. I didn't feel like eating Japanese food anymore. I didn't feel like doing anything, really. I just sat in my room moping about, watching HBO. I plotted my return trip back. I chose to go first class because the $800 total for the ticket was cheaper than a room on short notice during a holiday and leaving coach the next day. It was kinda cool, but I didn't enjoy it as much as I could have.

And here I am. She still has one of my bags at her place. It's got some clothes, my favorite shorts, my massage oil, some condoms, my old phone and its charger, Advance Wars DS, Pokemon Fire Red, Castlevania Double Pack (as you can tell, it's a long f'ing plane ride), my ipod cable, my print from Cutepet and some other things I can't think of right now. I paypal'd her $20 to send it back to me. I'm curious if she actually will.

I mean, that's all replaceable. I'm already out nearly $1000 more than I thought I'd spend on this vacation just to get out of there and solve the problems she caused. I could buy another notebook computer case and I don't really need my phone and I could buy those games again and get my saves back to their prior points without a lot of hassle (it might be enjoyable, too) and I was thinking about getting another ipod anyway. But I also know she's a vengeful person.

She probably knows I'm right too but is too proud to admit it, while her friends are willing to kiss her ass and take her side because they don't even KNOW me.

I just wish it was different.