The Consumption

Well, it took a few weekends but I finally finished Legend of Zelda Ocarina of Time. I played it all the way through looking for that "aha" moment that makes all those fanboys (and fangirls) call it the best game ever made. And I didn't find it.

I played the Gamecube version. BUT before you go "AHA, the GC version controls SUCK" I'll have you know I played the game on an N64 emulator years ago and got stuck in the Shadow Temple. I routinely play games on compromised controllers with success. I've used Dual Shock controllers in my Super Nintendo emulation almost religiously, I've used an N64 controller on my computer with the Adaptoid since it first came out. The Adaptoid is unique in that a lot of N64 emulators support it directly in hardware, bypassing Windows. So you get legitimate emulated controls. I also like the N64 for emulating Genesis games and general gaming when keyboard and mouse won't do.

Before I became 3/4 packed in storage, I typically had a PS2 controller and an N64 controller both hooked up to my computer at all times. You know. To waste electricity.

Anywho, I played this game again and did not get stuck. I got angry, mostly. I got lost a lot. Finishing a dungeon isn't a function of skill or learning things about the engine. It became learning about how to avoid fights (because the crappy Z targeting never seems to get it right) and just throwing raw time into the game to explore again and again and again until I have inspiration to do something odd and having that work (maybe). While I think Zelda Link to the Past is a masterpiece, it wasn't PERFECT. The in-game instructions got really irritating after a while, and the linearity introduced by Zelda II Link's Adventure took hold very tightly. OoT was an oportunity to shake those out but it dug in with its heels. But that's the trend of games at the time. Can't get mad at the past.

Well, you can get mad at the past. It just doesn't pay off.

Complaints:
There were only two dungeons I really enjoyed playing as a game instead of as a chore. Those were the Water Temple and the Spirit Temple. The others were a hassle (just hurry up and let me finish this thing) at best, frustrating at worst (I WANT TO FIND THE LEVEL DESIGNER FOR THIS ONE AND KILL HIM AND HIS FAMILY).
Bosses? I enjoyed the last boss a bit and the Shadow Temple boss. I found the others too slow-paced for my tastes. They just felt like big versions of regular enemies that take a long time to kill.
Travel? *snore* Travelling between locations is mostly a time sink. I didn't like how in Final Fantasy X you don't really fly your airship but instead "point and click" to your destination. BUT walking Hyrule Plains sucks. Nonsense enemies thrown in there just to steal even more time away from you, too. Besides, Hyrule is not a "plains". It's a forest, it's a rich and wooded area. It's LttP. It's Link's Awakening (well, not technically, but the same style). I mean, sure, Lake Hylia looks pretty, but it's just a simple lake with very little exciting shoreline. The desert is huge, for a faked-huge-desert. Final Fantasy VII did it with the snow plains where you put posts down so you don't lose what direction you're walking in. Hell, you can't get LOST in the fucking LOST WOODS. It just spits you back into the faggot fairy people village. I call that WEAK.
All in all, the game could have consisted of those two dungeons, those two bosses, and the "world" of a zone between zones could have been shrunk by 75% and I would have been a happy camper. I've never played Majora's Mask, but I did play Windwaker and I hate that the ENDLESS TRAVEL WITH NOTHINGNESS wasn't really fixed.

I happen to think OoT is perhaps one of the most overrated games in history. At least Donkey Kong Country was overrated but after everyone finished the game and realized when they said "OVER 100+ LEVELS!!!11!1eleven!1" they counted those one-room-bonus-stages as entire levels, too. *headdesk* So, as gamers, we realized that it was junk that looked pretty. It took some of us longer than others to realize it, though.

Since it's on the disk, though, I'm going to play Master Levels. I got the first three dungeons down and am making my move into the Forest Temple. So far some parts I like more and some parts I hate more. Fighting sword and sheild enemies on ice? That's a pretty cool thing. Even more confusing and 80% backtracking dungeons? That's a pretty bad thing. It's THAT bipolar syndrome that 3D Zelda iterations seem to have that really hold it back from greatness.

What am I saying? Zelda could be a shitstain on underwear and packaged by Nintendo and it would still be heralded as the greatest thing to arrive since sliced bread. Nevermind sliced bread, bread PERIOD. Greatest thing since the milling of grains for flour. Greatest thing since the millstone. Greatest thing since the disc-shaped stone. Greatest thing since STONE.

What I MEAN by "hold[ing] it back" is that Zelda could be really propelled upwards in the hearts of die-hards and purists like myself but big N just won't do it for some reason. Twilight Princess is likely going to be fanservice to the OoTards.

...

I'll still get Wii, though. Nintendo makes enough good games, and the system has good preliminary 3rd party support. Unlike PS3. Where "All News is Bad News."

Back in the day, there was a game called Graal that promised to be the PC version of Zelda. But those freewheeling days of 1998 are long gone. Now Graal is a pay-to-play online game with very little hint at its original Zelda roots. I remember downloading the client and server. I would give anything to have those files back. I had 10 hearts and 6000 rupees in the bank. The whole "community gaming" concept is flawed, though. It doesn't work because everyone contributes something with little regard for their neighbors. Because of this there were no "quests" that took place across different places. What had to happen had to happen in the zone because that's all the author had control over. The mishmash of different zones and no quality control on the maps or dungeons or houses or spelling in the text made the game look like the personification of an AOL chatroom.

But it had a simple level of fun that I didn't match with Ocarina of Time. Interesting, huh?

Kind of like how I like Doom and Doom 2 better than Doom 3 and all of Quake. I remember in Doom getting to a door, holding my breath, opening it and having a hoarde of enemies all turn and shriek at me and start attacking while I figure out where the fuck I have to run to get damaged the least and still dole out the pain. I remember kiting a bunch of guards from Hyrule Castle over to the lawn and circle slashing them all. It's not part of the game. It's clearly a showboating move. But it helped remind me that it's a GAME. I mean, just comparing LttP and OoT: You enter a room and it's a "WOW! HUGE!" moment, a questioning moment when you see two levels, maybe a laser eyeball dude in the corner, some buttons, and you're hanging out in the doorway figuring out your plan of attack, or shitting yourself if the door closes on itself and you're pushed forward into it. Meanwhile, OoT, you enter a cool room and it's quiet. There's carpet and torches lit and it looks very beautiful and then you get whacked in the head by a FUCKING FLYING BAT THAT HAPPENS TO BE ON FIRE AND INSTANTLY BURNS YOUR SHEILD INTO ASH and it's your fault for looking up or not pressing Z (or L). One is a game, the other is a teacher cracking a ruler on your desk.

GAMES are fun. Pretentious and elitist programs are not.

BAD END.
(please try again!)