Snaggletooth

Look, just because I'm not going to erupt into a murderous rampage anymore doesn't mean it's ok to THROW AWAY my toothbrush.

Shit, it's not like it's an accident. I have an electric toothbrush, right, and the heads are replaceable. Toothbrush replaced every 6 months? Nah, just the head. Costs about the same as getting a whole new brush, sure, but I'm convinced they clean a little better. I can use it like a manual brush and there's an extra rotational factor in play to help get at those nooks and crannies. Which is important because flossing is a thorn in my side, so if my teeth feel cleaner I don't quite feel so bad for not doing it as often as I probably should.

Now, the trick with these things is that you just can't get ONE of those heads. They come in two and three. My model comes in threes. I bought it back in the day and used one head. The opened display case was left in the bathroom. I've decided I need to change it. Well, I actually LOOK today and, hells bells, it's GONE. Tossed. Now, these things ain't cheap. $20 for three.

Score so far:
$50 Brake Pads
$5 PVC construction bucket
$5 PVC pipe excess
$3 Ranch Dressing

These are items that were found in the house in respective locations that have been THROWN AWAY without any questions as to why I have them, what they're for, anything. My most hurtful was the salad dressing. I spent my time making a wonderful salad full of cooked toppings and it took me maybe 30 minutes to prepare. I set it on the table then open the fridge to get my dressing when... missing. PURELY MISSING. Now, I had JUST gone grocery shopping THAT MORNING. Expired? Well, why not put it on the list for me?

There is just blatant disrespect for anything I use. Anything. Nobody's ever asked me why I keep my hairbrush and deodorant in my room. Easy: because other people will use them and lose them or toss them because they just don't give a shit. I don't lend my pens or markers or anything because I know I will NEVER see them again.

Now, you wouldn't borrow something from a friend and smash it, right? Hell, you wouldn't borrow a clipboard from the petition taker and break it over your knee. You wouldn't borrow a pen from the hotel lobby just to toss it in a trash can. Why should your SON'S  insert object here  be any different?

So today I didn't brush my teeth. I feel gross. I didn't even want to leave this morning to pick up a new set because I knew it'd be a lot. At least I stole the $20 to get them.

Sheesh, why not? They're gonna cost me money? Hell NO.

In other news, it took a lot of sweat to get this far. But, it looks like things are going to go a bit faster now. I've wanted a long time to show these. :P

I've got a format that may work after all. I keep coming up with new game ideas, but I finally really understand 3D technologies... even if it IS rudimentary. But that's ok. Aim for the skies.

Interview tomorrow. YIKES!

Zen

You know the saying that nobody can hurt you more than the ones you love?

Simple solution that has evaded me: just stop loving. Now they're strangers doing hurtful things. And there isn't anything a stranger could do to alter my mood.

Ahhhh... so much better, yes?

Up on the chopping block: Interviews. Lots of them. Monday and Wednesday of next week. It's GO time, I think.

Today's "FUCKING LIARS" section: when I showed my face at the unemployment office they made a big whirlygig about free education you qualify for since you're on unemployment. I asked if I could get my MCSD (which is like THE Microsoft programmer certification) and they said "sure". I did all the paperwork last week, signing my name so many times I was like a rock star signing autographs. And, wouldn't you know it, it turns out I qualify, but not 100% like they insinuated.

I need to pay like $300 to enroll. Ordinarily, $300 for that kind of certification is a DEAL. BUT when you're not working, $300 is a lot. That's a car payment. My TV is like a kaleidoscope of colors lately: displaying in red sometime, sometime normal, sometime green, sometime blue. I need a new one but even buying a shitty TV will break me financially. I also need a new monitor: mine can't display refresh rates above 60Hz anymore. Well, it can, but it screams a high pitched scream loud enough to nearly deafen me and any neighborhood dogs (nobody else can hear it I've learned). It sucks because my eyes are sensitive to low refresh rates when paired with high speed phosphors (exactly like a monitor) so I am popping advil at least 3 times a week due to headaches. But I can't even buy a Shitty McShit brand monitor because it WILL break me. My speakers don't output on the right channel. SPEAKERS WILL BREAK ME. Any expense of money not directly related to living and breathing and eating will break me at this point. $300 is a great deal and a fantastic investment in my future, but, well, there you go.

When you're broke, any amount is expensive. What gets me upset is that they made a big song and dance like an infomercial: "YES YOU can enroll for CERTIFICATIONS and HIGHER LEARNING to GET YOU that HIGH POWERED HIGH PAYING JOB!!!" And this is supposed to be GOVERNMENT FUNDED training.

...

Wait, what? Government lies to you?

 > Link < 

To Wake Once More

At least Activision has a sense of decency.

We have received your application for the position of Associate Programmer-VV-PRO000034. After careful consideration, we regret to inform you that you have not been selected for this position.

Considering how many applications I've filled out, and this is the first actual "we took the time to click a button and send you a negative response instead of just ignoring you outright". I guess that's the way of the world today. People are commodities. I thought it was just MySpace that was edging this along by keeping count of virtual friends, but I think it's just a general trend of humanity lately.

I've run out of just about all gaming positions I could do. I've been doing some applications for conventional jobs too, but it's the end of that.

As far as my game? Well, one man doing everything alone is really rough. I can definitely appreciate a multi-teamed development method. Right now I'm deriving a way dynamic(ish) objects can interact with a static(ish) map. The "ish" is there on both since You could have dynamic objects that appear static, and code can certainly manipulate a map during gameplay.

There's gonna be big payoff with this, I think. I have to code a whole bunch of different interactions between dyn and sta to make it flexible enough for what I need. Pool table bankshots? I need to know how to record angles and manipulate trajectories. Non-square floor tiles? Hey, we all want to run on rooftops. It's absolutely MASSIVE the amount of details and data one has to take. These things are usually covered by splitting up the work within a team, but it's just me.

An advantage of multiple teams is that things stay fresh. I had some code to handle dyn objects and I've been working on the sta maps for so long that I don't quite remember the dyn stuff intuitively anymore. I mean, it's NOT impossible, just daunting.

Now, this is because I like the idea of coding once and pumping them out. I *could* just do a hack job for something. But that's no fun. I want quality. On the other hand, artists get good by drawing a lot of shit so... maybe I should change gears?

And real life comes crashing down on me, still. I have no income and I'm out of money. I am sweating. I've got unemployment but it's just barely and it's not going to cover my auto insurance due next month. I'm worried about being no good and unhireable. I mean, did I just waste all my time at the university? Plus, I applied for bunch of gamer jobs because that's my dream. Has that been finally squashed?

So in the midst of all that, I simply cannot be blamed for wanting to roll up into a ball and sleep for 23.5 hours a day. I just wanna wake up and have my life change and THEN I'll stay up.

I'm also just fighting my depression really hard, trying to not let it sound when I call my case manager or recruiter. It's hard to stay motivated when you're so upset you don't want to DO anything. It's really hard work, let me tell you. Even my DIET has taken on my mood. I've been losing and gaining weight with fast frequency. Last week I lost 8 pounds. This week I gained 6. It's just totally queer.

I logically KNOW that it won't be like this forever. And I WANT it to hurry up and be over already. But I am also fully aware that there's no short cuts and I have to endure.

After all, I might qualify for federal financial aid to get my MCSD certification. Might as well put this time to use, especially since my dreams are crushed. But, hey, what else is new, right?

Things you might not know about stuff

Banks: Did you know that checks cashed on the same day are processed in order of greatest value to smallest value? It happens at 8am and 4pm. Banks may have policies like "anything after 2pm is tomorrow", but, essentially, they're slotting those transactions to that next 8am event. Who cares? Well, when you do this, you increase the chance of bouncing checks. If you have, say, $300 and there's outstanding checks for $50, $100, $300, if you cash them in that order, only one will bounce: the $300. If you do it the other way, TWO will bounce: the $50 and the $100. Net result for the bank? Another $25 charge. Net result for you? Two angry calls and two red marks on your credit report instead of one.

Cell phones: So, I had that cancellation charge. They waved it, since I was still going to be paying them SOMETHING with my reduced plan, and I guess they wanted to get on my good side so that when I find better times I can upgrade my plan and still stay with them. Well, I look on the fine print on my first bill and notice something weird. My weekends aren't free. I call and, yup, it's true. Gah. Well, shit, if that's the case why not just cancel my service altogether? Because while I didn't have a contract before, I've got one now. T-T. Blast.

Sonic 2: Just recently, a new beta has surfaced. It's currently believed to be the version played on Nick Arcade. It's kind of exciting. Check it out if you're so inclined: http://www.hidden-palace.org/?releases

Also, let people know: I'll build computers for cheap. All I ask is $100 over the price of parts. And you get the benefit of a custom design (not those store-templates) with room to grow and the benefit of YEARS of computing knowhow. Hey, just offering.

:(

I promise I'll stop behaving like an injured cat. Just give me time.