To Wake Once More

At least Activision has a sense of decency.

We have received your application for the position of Associate Programmer-VV-PRO000034. After careful consideration, we regret to inform you that you have not been selected for this position.

Considering how many applications I've filled out, and this is the first actual "we took the time to click a button and send you a negative response instead of just ignoring you outright". I guess that's the way of the world today. People are commodities. I thought it was just MySpace that was edging this along by keeping count of virtual friends, but I think it's just a general trend of humanity lately.

I've run out of just about all gaming positions I could do. I've been doing some applications for conventional jobs too, but it's the end of that.

As far as my game? Well, one man doing everything alone is really rough. I can definitely appreciate a multi-teamed development method. Right now I'm deriving a way dynamic(ish) objects can interact with a static(ish) map. The "ish" is there on both since You could have dynamic objects that appear static, and code can certainly manipulate a map during gameplay.

There's gonna be big payoff with this, I think. I have to code a whole bunch of different interactions between dyn and sta to make it flexible enough for what I need. Pool table bankshots? I need to know how to record angles and manipulate trajectories. Non-square floor tiles? Hey, we all want to run on rooftops. It's absolutely MASSIVE the amount of details and data one has to take. These things are usually covered by splitting up the work within a team, but it's just me.

An advantage of multiple teams is that things stay fresh. I had some code to handle dyn objects and I've been working on the sta maps for so long that I don't quite remember the dyn stuff intuitively anymore. I mean, it's NOT impossible, just daunting.

Now, this is because I like the idea of coding once and pumping them out. I *could* just do a hack job for something. But that's no fun. I want quality. On the other hand, artists get good by drawing a lot of shit so... maybe I should change gears?

And real life comes crashing down on me, still. I have no income and I'm out of money. I am sweating. I've got unemployment but it's just barely and it's not going to cover my auto insurance due next month. I'm worried about being no good and unhireable. I mean, did I just waste all my time at the university? Plus, I applied for bunch of gamer jobs because that's my dream. Has that been finally squashed?

So in the midst of all that, I simply cannot be blamed for wanting to roll up into a ball and sleep for 23.5 hours a day. I just wanna wake up and have my life change and THEN I'll stay up.

I'm also just fighting my depression really hard, trying to not let it sound when I call my case manager or recruiter. It's hard to stay motivated when you're so upset you don't want to DO anything. It's really hard work, let me tell you. Even my DIET has taken on my mood. I've been losing and gaining weight with fast frequency. Last week I lost 8 pounds. This week I gained 6. It's just totally queer.

I logically KNOW that it won't be like this forever. And I WANT it to hurry up and be over already. But I am also fully aware that there's no short cuts and I have to endure.

After all, I might qualify for federal financial aid to get my MCSD certification. Might as well put this time to use, especially since my dreams are crushed. But, hey, what else is new, right?