I was only kidding.

The classy thing to do would be to avoid trying to figure out WHOM I’m talking about and just accept I’m talking about someone. Are you classy?

So I had started thinking. It was prompted by an impromptu declaration of love. It was to a friend, so interpret this as a friend love.

The more disappointing parts about language are that love is a noun/verb when it should be maybe 12 – 15 different noun/verbs. It relies on a qualifier to make sense. Romantic love, family love, friend love, peace love, empathy love, puppy love, etc etc etc. It’s not my fault language sucks.

How was she to know it was friendly love? You mean, other than that we are friends? I suppose you could argue they wouldn’t know unless qualified. But there are lots of things that don’t need qualification. When you say you miss someone, you don’t have to qualify that with “as a friend.” How do you miss me? That’s answered by the type of relationship. Dramatic missing of lovers for those who are coupled versus casual friend if they are friends. It’s really quite simple.

No biggie. Really. Except this person is someone I used to like in that other way. Operative words: used to.

This is how it then occurred to me. She’s keeping that in the back of her mind ALL THE TIME. I can’t do or say anything without her immediately thinking about the boy that wants her. The boy DOESN’T want her. I shouldn’t have to repeat it, you know? Yeah, I play around. I flirt a lot with people I’m comfortable with because, hey, I’m comfortable, and it’s entertaining. If I pretend I’m going to lick your leg it’s a JOKE. That’s obviously something not exactly in the realm of “just friends.” It’s kind of like me saying I’m going to fill a burlap sack full of kittens and toss it into a canal. It’s monstrous and cruel and OBVIOUSLY not something I’m going to do. It’s so obvious I wouldn’t do it that it doesn’t need explaining.

If I say something like “let’s go skinny dipping,” you could say yes and keep the humor going without breaking the fourth wall with an “I’m kidding.” I know you’d be kidding. Unless you’re worried about me holding you to it later at some unnamed time and saying “but you said you would!” Enter back to “used to like.” If, on your mind, you cannot forget that I USED to like you then you might not even joke around like that. And if you can't joke around your friends, who CAN you joke around with? You might think you don’t want to lead the poor schmuck along. Got to nip it in the bud before you send the wrong signals. Here’s the trick, though: THERE ARE NO SIGNALS BEING SOUGHT OUT OR INTERPRETED. Plain and simple. Reception is a non-issue.

I used to have a friend. I don’t remember her name, and she wasn’t really close, but she was still a casual friend. Her bit was that she always took the public bus home after school. She had change in her purse and pockets and bookbag and scattered all over the place. She would gather those coins but would need a place to stash them to add them up. Instead of doing this over a table she would do this at the bus stop. She’d get one of her friends to hold her change while she searched and counted. Thing is, she wouldn’t ask for them to hold it. She would just put her fist out and motion to you to put your open hand under it and then dump a whole bunch of coins into it. If you asked what that was for, she would invariably answer “that’s for last night, baby.”

Now, did she really pay for sexual favors that were given when the friends were unconscious? NO. Was she interested? No. It was just a gag. It was cute and showed her personality and stuff. Any worries about leading people on? No, it’s patently obvious it’s just a joke.

I guess the reason why I’m not naming names is that everyone is their own person. Suggestive comedy isn’t in everyone’s basket o’ fun. And I’m not applying a value judgment on it, either. If you want to let some thing from years and years ago permeate your existence TODAY and throttle your fun TODAY and impact your guard so that you can’t be casual TODAY then you’re welcome to it. But, again, how much of a friend can you be if you're always harboring a fear like that?

I just think that a friend should believe the other and give him the benefit of the doubt. No, there IS no benefit of the doubt: I’m telling it like it is. I can’t expect other people to get into my brain and know what I’m really thinking. Only I am privileged enough to know that. So when I tell you I’m not interested anymore, just believe me and be done with it. If I say I love you any question in your mind about what I mean is instantly answered with “I’m not interested anymore.” If I want to wash your back, remembering that I’m not interested will help you determine if I’m serious or not. If I make a kissy face it’s because I love my friends and not because I wanna jump your bones. Yes you can be attractive but, really, I don't want to fuck you. I think oranges are pretty but I don't want to fuck them, for instance. Don't get a swelled head or assume a suggestively flirting joke is anything more than what it is.

Remember: IT IS WHAT IT IS. No matter what you point at, it always is what it is first before anything else. And what's my anything else? Nothing. There is NOTHING there in present day 2007.

Then again, first impressions are hard to shake. In the future, any time I’m interested in someone and I get shot down I’m just going to avoid them forever. It really isn’t fair to hold shit like that over my head when I’m just trying to be sweet. I can't be a friend if they're not going to let me do my job as a friend.