Holes & Fun

Ok, so I had some drama last week and it's all FINALLY resolved.

Monday I went to a strip gentleman's club. We wore monocles and top hats playing Gin while drinking brandy. During our game, a young lass said asked towards me: "Why, sir, I hear you have the strangest of artifacts attached to your Richard. Might I fancy a peek?"

So while I was getting a really hard lap dance while she ground herself onto my [covered] studded penis, somehow, one of the balls came loose. I didn't realize the whole assembly popped out and ran away somewhere. I went to the bathroom and started pissing like normal except now I was pissing on my shoe. That's when I looked in horror at the urine trailing down the bottom hole onto myself where the metal plug was GONE.

HORROR

Nevermind I looked like a drunk who'd just pissed his pants. I excused myself as gracefully as I could and sped home.

Don't know if you're familiar with body piercings at all, but, for something only 6 weeks old, if you remove the metal the body will close up the hole and you'll have a hell of a time getting it open again. I was in a PANIC. The only thing going through my mind was "must get something in the hole."

I saw the digital meat thermometer probe. I saw the emergency cd-tray eject pin. I saw the box of paper clips. I saw the eyeglass repair screwdriver. I saw the Nintendo DS stylus.

Now, I don't have a DS Lite, but I DO have a few DS Lite styluses. I bought a pack of three because I dislike the one that came with my Archos 605 video player. THAT would have been a feat, heh. I had my spare conventional DS stylus and never quite found a use for it. It certainly isn't very comfortable to hold for too long a time.

So, yeah, I promptly inserted it into the man-made hole in my penis. It wasn't very comfortable... the texture isn't completely smooth. The plastic is pretty general surface smoothness, PLUS the tiny Nintendo logo and the almost invisible seam line (which, while not immediately visible, is most certainly FEEL-ABLE). OW OW OW.

There's the thing, it's exactly 4mm in diameter. And I don't really know how big my piercing is. The studio is sort of dodgy on that information, I guess so they could sell me more jewelry in the future. But, by gum, it fit. And if I pushed the tip out the end of the urethra it stayed in place, which was important.

And I slept with it there.

Next day I call out sick from work and head over to piercing shops. NOTHING is open in the mornings. It's rather irritating, actually, when you've got a piercing emergency. So the place that's open the earliest that does some piercing is Tattoo's by Lou. I've heard a lot of BAD things about them, but I figure I'd buy it, go home and boil it, and pop it in after it cools.

They didn't stock it.

I wound up having to go all the way to Coral Gables to pick mine up. The only piercing shop in town that would carry that sort of thing. And, heh, not only are these places never open in the mornings, but they're also never open ON TIME.

Anyway, he asks what size and I don't have much of an answer. I said 8 because someone I showed it to reckoned it was (she didn't measure it, just eyeballed it). So I got an 8 and put it on after sterilization and it worked ok. No discomfort, nothing. It wasn't quite as long as the other one which made erections slightly uncomfortable, but it's only temporary until I the one I ordered from the original studio got here. Also the balls were smaller and the whole thing was shiny stainless steel instead of the super-cool colored titanium one I had before. But, again, temporary.

Fast forward to this week. I FINALLY get the metal from the original piercer, in the original size I had. I excitedly try to swap and came to a horrifying conclusion.

Too big.

Or, rather, the 8 gauge was SMALL. Get that? 8 = small. Turns out I've got a SIX GAUGE PIERCING DOWN THERE. That's, like, whoa, dude. No wonder when I showed it to Jane (who has a totally awesome vertical nipple piercing of her own, and, clearly, would know a thing or two about piercings) went WHOA. So, yeah, evidently I'm a bad ass (and all this time I thought she thought my dick was super cool. Oh well.) and now in trouble because the hole has conformed to the smaller size over the past week.

When I removed the steel one, I confirmed my fears. Yep, the stylus was wider than it was. Now, in order to get the new jewelry in, which was my old jewelry, I had to somehow stretch the hole. I look again, and, well...

DS stylus saved me again. Inserting this time was even MORE OW than before. Really. Not only was it not smooth and with a logo and a seam, but it was stretching the hole back to what it was. O. M. G.

But, it sure saved my ass, in a manner of speaking. With a little lube and a little oomph and additional stretching the piece went in and I'm happy. Turns out, there's a little thing about reassembling the jewelry that nobody seemed to explicitly tell me: when screwing the ball onto the post, it will get tight. At that point, CONTINUE TO TIGHTEN. It will get loose again and at that point when it gets tight it's tight for keeps. It's like a lock. Really a clever design, I wish I knew how it worked since I just love knowing how shit works.

Anyway, that was the whole point of it coming undone to begin with. I didn't tighten further than the safety spot. But, dang, that DS was a damn good purchase. Especially ol' fattie.