The Symptoms: Detailed.

No, not those. THESE. Look, It's been a month and a half since I've had sex. 6 more weeks to go. CHACHACHACHACHACHACHACHACHACHA etc.

I don't know if these are literal symptoms or if it's just in my head. Even if it is just in my head, that's real enough, right? Right? PLEASE TELL ME I'M NOT INSANE! *froths at the mouth*

1. Nervousness. Well, I do have something legitimate to be nervous about. My last "no reversals no do-overs" blood test happened yesterday. I have to wait a week until they run whatever insane test they use. This one's pretty much gonna tell whether there's no turning back, whether I've simply cut decades off my life, or whether my blood viscosity is seasonal or not. Gee, which one am I rooting for?

But aside from that, I just have a general jittery feeling. Like an excited feeling? NOT THAT KIND OF EXCITED. Like a giddy nervous excited feeling. Like there's a surprise waiting for you at home. As if I'm gonna come home to suprise mind blowing sex or something. The reality? I came home to a surprise puddle under my water tower. Evidently I didn't plug the leak well enough.

2. Dual Concentration. I know everyone says it and it's hardly ever as true as they think, but I'm a good multitasker. I can code one thing and think about what's coming up next, build this and think about mounting afterwords, pat my head and rub my tummy, shit like that. Well, I spend my "other" mind thinking about sex. Dreaming of it. Imagining it. Having it (in the mind's eye, of course).

Example: I'm at work doing some boring ass database schema. I'm typing things out and in the meantime I think I'm getting a blowjob in my car while I'm driving through the red-light district.

3. Silly, inexplainable injuries. This time it's a sprained finger. I don't know what I did to it, but one morning end of last week I woke up and it hurt to move it, even just a little. I don't know if I woke up in the middle of the night and slammed it against my wall or if my penis woke up and beat the shit out of it, jealous that my index finger gets all this sunlight.

Ever see the movie Slackers? This dude's penis can sing "She'll be comin' round the mountain." Then it'll make sense, dude. Trust me.

4. Thirst. I once heard someone describe a person that goes to sleep with a bottle of water next to their bed as some kind of studly stallion, as in the same kind of guy that wears a leopard print thong around the house and has mirrors above his bed. It took me a really long time to figure out WHY one would think that of someone who needs to have water next to the bed. (hint: acrobatic.) Me? I'm just thirsty. A lot. Doctor says it may be because I'm prediabetic. To that I say, "got any ice?"

I was planning to go to the strip club after work, even. I wanted to get ground on. Hard. By my favorites. It's a good thing I got paid today, though, which forced me to divert my tracks and go to the bank instead. Besides, I can't spend any money on lap dances. I've got a move to plan.

And have I mentioned I owe $1500 in taxes this year? WTF is up with that? I've got a month and a half to send off a check, so, no worries, but, still... that's a lot of money.

That's like, 60 lapdances.